Monday
Mar032008

dark places

i've been in a dark place lately. lots of changes are swirling about, and when this happens - i tend to pull myself inward to the core of who i am. 

and, really, at my core - i am dark. 

(this is not a bad thing, by the way. i quite prefer it, actually. in darkness there is complexity and mystery.)

it's difficult to explain myself when i'm so confused by all that i am and all that i've experienced. i can say this much: 

i'm finding that "hillary" is a pretty consistent individual, regardless of the circumstances surrounding her.

below all of the surface insecurities, the work-related stressors, and the external societial pressures is an original version of myself that remains unchanged.

wrapping words around all that in encompassed in my original soul is difficult for me to do, as well.

since i was a child i've likened myself to a "bleeding, beating heart". i just FEEL so much for so many different people. i truly get upset when i hear the daily news with murders, wars, and fraud so readily communicated. i can't stand to watch violence on TV or in the movies - it literally HURTS for me to watch it. i can FEEL their pain physically.

a few of my friends have told me that i am an "empathetic" - which i think is a fancy word for having an ability to "feel what other people are feeling". i believe it is true. 

i lose sleep over the war.
i pray for people i don't even know.
my stomach knots up when people tell me about accidents they've survived.

and lately, i've really been just sick of being alive. i know that sounds incredibly selfish, childish, and a number of other words - but that's the best way i can describe my feelings.

so, rather than bury these inclinations - lately, i've indulged them. and, what i've found is that even the prophets in the bible often felt the same. this "thorn" of having to live in such a cruel world can only be removed by asking God to do so.

so, i have. i've asked for a purpose. a reason to feel like i SHOULD be here. i haven't had any clear cut answers- but, i can say that i'm at least feeling "interested in trying" again.

i believe that there is a certain amount of "home-sick" in everyone's soul. and, if you've ever experienced the loss of a loved one, i bet you can relate. you just feel so home-sick for them that you want to be where they are.

some of the most influential people in my life are no longer living. and, i miss them SO MUCH that i cannot even begin to describe it. i've been home-sick for the place i originated from. i've been so tired of trying to "make something" out of my life.

so, here i am-and what am i supposed to do about it? i suppose just keep listening. keep praying. keep enjoying the people (and animals) that i get to encounter each day. just keep believing. just keep feeling-because it reminds me that i am, in fact, alive -

and being alive, alone, is a gift.

and being alive, alone, is enough.

Sunday
Mar022008

dark places


Current mood:  good
Category: Life
i've been in a dark place lately. lots of changes are swirling about, and when this happens - i tend to pull myself inward to the core of who i am.

and, really, at my core - i am dark.

(this is not a bad thing, by the way. i quite prefer it, actually. in darkness there is complexity and mystery.)

it's difficult to explain myself when i'm so confused by all that i am and all that i've experienced. i can say this much:

i'm finding that "hillary" is a pretty consistent individual, regardless of the circumstances surrounding her.

below all of the surface insecurities, the work-related stressors, and the external societial pressures is an original version of myself that remains unchanged.

wrapping words around all that in encompassed in my original soul is difficult for me to do, as well.

since i was a child i've likened myself to a "bleeding, beating heart". i just FEEL so much for so many different people. i truly get upset when i hear the daily news with murders, wars, and fraud so readily communicated. i can't stand to watch violence on TV or in the movies - it literally HURTS for me to watch it. i can FEEL their pain physically.

a few of my friends have told me that i am an "empathetic" - which i think is a fancy word for having an ability to "feel what other people are feeling". i believe it is true.

i lose sleep over the war.
i pray for people i don't even know.
my stomach knots up when people tell me about accidents they've survived.

and lately, i've really been just sick of being alive. i know that sounds incredibly selfish, childish, and a number of other words - but that's the best way i can describe my feelings.

so, rather than bury these inclinations - lately, i've indulged them. and, what i've found is that even the prophets in the bible often felt the same. this "thorn" of having to live in such a cruel world can only be removed by asking God to do so.

so, i have. i've asked for a purpose. a reason to feel like i SHOULD be here. i haven't had any clear cut answers- but, i can say that i'm at least feeling "interested in trying" again.

i believe that there is a certain amount of "home-sick" in everyone's soul. and, if you've ever experienced the loss of a loved one, i bet you can relate. you just feel so home-sick for them that you want to be where they are.

some of the most influential people in my life are no longer living. and, i miss them SO MUCH that i cannot even begin to describe it. i've been home-sick for the place i originated from. i've been so tired of trying to "make something" out of my life.

so, here i am-and what am i supposed to do about it? i suppose just keep listening. keep praying. keep enjoying the people (and animals) that i get to encounter each day. just keep believing. just keep feeling-because it reminds me that i am, in fact, alive -

and being alive, alone, is a gift.

and being alive, alone, is enough.


Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hillarybanks/blog?page=3#ixzz14TsFqlXy
๏ปฟ

Monday
Feb252008

My Method: Dance your pants off. (Or dance with your pants off...)

Caution: This video probably won't "go over" at work - unless you work with me, where you should totally turn it up and tell me to come over to your computer for another dance party.

Chris Crocker, pre-Britney drama, shows us how to dance our blues away.

I laughed so hard, but mostly because I dance EXACTLY LIKE THAT when I'm alone. hahahahaha

"shake every possible body part."

Friday
Feb082008

"Charlie bit me..."

you may have already seen this floating around, but it makes me smile.

there's something so sweet about the fact that he doesn't smack charlie up-side the head the way i would've.

Monday
Feb042008

A Self-Encounter

An direct excerpt from "The Inward Journey" a book by Howard Thurman. 
(Essay 22, Page 39-40.)

The Self-Encounter
When have you last had a good session with yourself? Or have you ever had it out with you?

Most often you are brought face to face with yourself only when such an encounter is forced upon you. Usually it is in connection with a crisis situation. There is a death in the immediate circle of close family or friends with the result that definite changes must be made in your way of thinking or living. You must accustom yourself to living without the active relationship of the departed one. Or it may be that there is the quickening discovery that your parents are old and can no longer relate to you at the point of your needs but you must relate to them at the point of their need.

There may be other causes for self-confrontation. A chance remark from a friend may bring you quickly to face the fact that you are a pretender in your relations with others, and that you have never faced up to your own lack of integrity in word and in act. In a time of temper you may say things of which you are deeply ashamed, not so much because you said them - that is bad enough - but because you were capable of thinking them. You may discover that in trying to make a decision involving a course of action, you are utterly incompetent to do so because you have never claimed your mind as your own. All through the years you have drifted from one position to another, letting your meaning be determined by your response to others or their demands - not determined by how you felt, really, nor what you personally thought. Now you look for some clue outside yourself and there is none to be found. YOU must decide and abide.

Whatever may be the occasion there comes a deep necessity which leads you finally into the closet with yourself. It is here that you raise the real questions about yourself. The leading one is, What is it, after all, that I amount to, ultimately? Such a question cuts through all that is superficial and trivial in life to the very nerve center of yourself. And this is a religious question because it deals with the total meaning of life at its heart. At such a moment, and at such a time, you must discover for yourself what is the TRUE basis of your self-respect. This is found only in relation to God whose Presence makes itself known in the most lucid moments of self-awareness. For all of us are His children and the most crucial clue to a knowledge of Him is to be found in the most honest and most total knowledge of the self.