Saturday
Aug252007

11 out of 100 ain't bad.

Back in September, I shared a list of 100 things I've always wanted to do. I'm happy to have found, that I have already experienced eleven of the one-hundred since then!

5. Have a solid spirituality.
18. Be content with my body (healthy & strong).
29. Get into Yoga.
35. Go on a US Road Trip (document it).
38. Have a toned stomach I'm proud of.
48. Tithe regularly.
50. Go Snowboarding.
51. Have a hammock.
74. Study the bible regularly. *(And various other spiritual and philosophical texts.)
84. Learn to surf.
97. Drive a speedboat (or ride in one, at least).
one hundred ways to live a life uncommon

My friend, Chasta, asked me to repost this about three months ago, and I'm just getting around to it. But, it's fun to revisit, and set my eyes on what's next. And, perhaps, what needs to be replaced.

Just for good measure, i've reposted the original, below:

100 ways to live a live uncommon

my good friend, de, asked me to write out a list of 100 things i've always wanted to do in my lifetime. i loved the fact that he challenged me to take the time to put them down on paper. 

so, last night, i did. i sat down, markers and sketchbook in hand, and i day dreamed. it's funny how easy you'll smile when you're dreaming up things you want to do! 

some of the things i've already done, but i want to do, again. many are things that are years, even decades into the future before i'll accomplish them. but, God willing, i'll be able to check these off my list one-by-one.

i thought long and hard about not sharing this list..."it's too private," i thought. 

but, the truth be told...i'll be so happy to have accomplished each of these, i'm certain i'd share them with you anyway. and, while dreams are private, they can be inspirational when shared.

i challenge each of you to take the same steps...set aside some time and some paper to curl up with your own thoughts and your own dreams.

and, together, let's slowly begin to make them reality.

and, my list begins:

1. Finish my book.

2. Join the Peace Corp (or something equivalent).

3. Learn to play the guitar.

4. Lay under the stars and hold hands with the man I'm in love with.

5. Have a solid spirituality.

6. Finish my degree.

7. Repay my mom (financially take care of her, if possible, pay all of her bills off for her.)

8. Go rock climbing/hiking (in an exotic place).

9. Own my own home.

10. Have my very own studio.

11. Backpack Europe with my best friend/the man I love.

12. Own a dog that I take care of (and train) properly.

13. Learn to play the piano.

14. Have a pen pal.

15. Make a beautiful pastiche/scrapbook (complete from cover to cover)

16. Win a Super Mario Game (Save the Princess!)

17. Write a song (or two...)

18. Be content with my body (healthy and strong)

19. Volunteer (Any cause would be good)

20. Try to get published

21. Take a painting course/class

22. Help with a political cause

23. See Greece

24. Take a Hip-Hop Dance Class

25. Bake my own Thanksgiving Dinner

26. Join a Church

27. Learn/Consistently execute heel & toe side 2 wakes.

28. Volunteer at Church.

29. Get into Yoga.

30. Read my poetry out-loud (open mic night)

31. Visit NYC

32. Direct a Children's Play

33. Visit Washington D.C.

34. Travel to France

35. Go on a US Roadtrip (Document it)

36. Get back on stage (Acting/Singing)

37. See New Orleans (Voodoo Priestesses & Historic Tours)

38. Have a toned stomach I'm proud of.

39. Pay for my momma and I to take a trip.

40. Marry the man of my dreams. Be the woman of his.

41. Get back into photography.

42. Mentor a child.

43. Record some of MY music.

44. Ride in a hot air balloon.

45. Go to the very top of a skyscraper and look off!

46. Win something at the State Fair.

47. See Seattle.

48. Tithe regularly.

49. Know peace. True peace...within. (Wake-up feeling peaceful and aligned.)

50. Go snowboarding.

51. Have a hammock.

52. Be "set" financially.

53. Grow something in my own garden.

54. See Boston (Watch a Red Sox Game)

55. Go Dog Sledding (Again)

56. Visit Amsterdam (Ride a Bike past the windmills. Take pictures.)

57. Stay in San Francisco (Drink Coffee/ Hear Poetry)

58. Go to Australia (Do a Safari)

59. Have a Hot Tub

60. Stay in a snowy cabin retreat with a fire and the man I love.

61. Live alone for a good while longer and embrace it.

62. Paint a picture I can be proud of.

63. Go back to London (again and again...)

64. See Alaska

65. Go Fishin' again (with Grandma Ludie, if possible.)

66. Establish a scholarship fund.

67. Fill up a piggy bank. Spend it on something good!

68. Hit a boxing speed bag (& make it do that bibbity-bob thing.)

69. Go Sailing, again....in a sail boat!

70. See South America (Stay in a hut...with mosquito nets.)

71. Take an interior decorating course.

72. Make some homemaid pottery.

73. Take a cruise.

74. Study the bible (regularly).

75. Make my momma proud (see it on her face).

76. Own my own business.

77. Learn to play the jimbay.

78. Help campaign for a cause I believe in.

79. Go to Canada.

80. Write a column for a newspaper (or a blog).

81. Have children (1 or 2...when the time's right.)

82. Crochet or cross-stitch something.

83. Jump off things I'm afraid to jump off of.

84. Learn to surf.

85. Play Santa Clause for someone.

86. Do a back flip!

87. Go on surfing trips!

88. Have my own web-site.

89. Bake cookies. Give them away.

90. Kiss in the rain.

91. Be debt free!

92. Make someone breakfast in bed.

93. Spend the day in a "cubby hole" making up stories and napping.

94. Have my own fitness regime (and studio!) :)

95. Have a personal assistant.

96. Have a vacation in Spain. (Ride a train.)

97. Drive a speedboat (or ride in one, at least!)

98. Learn Belly dancing

99. Spend a day at the zoo. (Watch the monkeys!)

100. Fly First Class (Especially to Europe).

Friday
Aug242007

"...terrifying calls for help."

Tonight, I turned it all away.
Tonight, I just unplugged.
Turned off the phones-
Left the door knock, unknown.
Found myself drifting into an early evening sleep.

The voice over the answering machine was warm
it felt as though it were speaking right to me
from within the room
the person vibrating in that tone
is one of my favorite people on the planet.
I relax deeper into the softness of the bed.
I begin to feel the pulse in my neck-
and feel the scratch of my breath
in
and
out.
my nose is a little crooked, you see.
and it tends to feel like its sideways,
the air scratching its way into my chest
rather than free-flowing.

i rather like it.
it's unusual.
atypical.
like me.

the neighbors tonight are arguing.
only one's not a neighbor to me.
just someone whos here in this moment
contributing to this one scene.

she's obviously upset with him
and they jolly the blame back and forth
when my ear picks up on their frequency
the sinking of my stomach
gets the best of me

i refuse to get back on the internet.
i must not try to check on my phones.
i will not pull out those files.
i will stretch and be conscious of my bones.

i will dive into the consciousness of my breathing.
i will lean into the curve of my thigh.
i will breath into the stretches along my back
and become concious of myyyyyyyyy spine.

the television is keeping me company.
offering something above the neighbors shrill cree
and i am sinking into the stillness
and the exhuberant experience of being with
me

"...and, the terrifying calls for help when a bridge 
collapses - in Minneapolis. 
That's next on your evening's News. 
Your News, First."


That's not news.

That happened like 2 weeks ago.

We've all heard the story, and lived the horror of the rubble.
Because you play it. Over and over, again.
And, it frightens us.
And it de-sensitizes us.

It sedates us.

we are all sedated.
by fast food and tv news
"ain't nothing goin 
that my mind needs to ponder on.
life like thst is overrated." ---
i wanna be sedated.

it's time we see
that the vulgarity
and the fighing that goes on
between
neighbors.

is the world we've created
and the lives we've all waited
and, that global warming is something
from you and from me.

that iraqi war is really happening
and young men are really dying
the ocean is being polluted
and the ozone is burning- as we're tryin'

to buy the new magazine
or find that new Coach
to read about Lindsey
or to eat another double Sonic Burger on Texas Toast.

the lives that we are living
you know 
the one that's happening now?

it's the world that we've created.

we are all sedated.
by fast food and tv news

and she says, 
"ain't nothing goin 
that my mind needs to ponder on.
life like thst is overrated." ---
i wanna be sedated.

Saturday
Aug182007

bits and pieces

life is good.

i am happy.

i spend most of my time thinking, presently and in the moment, about how grateful i am.
for the sunny weather.
the ocean breeze.
relationships.
spirituality.
quiet.
sunshine.
understanding.
peace.

i feel good right now.

life is good.

and, that's quite a feat, really, for me. and, it's something to note.

you see, the entire time i've walked this planet,
and since i can remember.

i've worried.

i have had so much fear.

my entire life.

so, working through it. acknowledging it, and rising above it has been liberating.

being out here alone is very very scary. and tiring.
lonely.
overwhelming.
humbling.
quieting.
disquieting.
amazing.

i've worked through late night jitters, walking down the darkened venice streets
to swimming in the salty, sea water-and playing and tumbling myself in the surf. i'm experiencing so much, and so much of it is affecting me, and changing me-in a really, really good way.

i'm learning to love the girl that i am. and, to love my own skin.

i find myself quite charming, at times. and, am amused at my inner discourse between the fearful and the brave sides of me. being alone isn't easy.
but, i've heard it said that "courage is not the absence of fear. courage is being fearful, but doing it, anyway."

sometimes, just leaving the house can be hard. but then, once i'm out there-there's too much to take in to be lonely or scared. well, most of the time.

and, i'm reminded of a younger hillary. who ran all over london taking pictures of everything! "even the trashcans are pretty!" i remember writing that in my journal.

i need to re-kindle some of that curiosity. which has, precisely, been my focus of the summer. to be brave. to explore this new world.

to experience the now.

i've learned to appreciate the farmers market.
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and to cook, organically. (i'm practicing so i can cook healthily for the rest of my life-and hopefully make it taste good, too.) it's easier to practice when you live alone-because you don't have to worry about feeding someone else if it tastes like crap-or looks like crap. but, i'm hoping to perfect a few dishes before i cook for elliott again. this was roasted vegetables from the local farmers market and a home-made pizza on wheat crust with tomatos, peppers, mushrooms, cheese, onions, & cilantro on mariniara. i was really seriously proud of it! and everything was freshly chopped, and picked by me!
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i've gone to a reggae show with a stranger from the drum circle-the same day i met her
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and learned that strangers and friends all come full circle, and can all be close friends in the end (i just met kai on this day-and kasey and i have been friends for years.)
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i've spent a significant amount of time thinking about elliott, and what we'd be up to if i were at home
i think about the days i'm missing on the boat and then i remember elliott would probably tell me, "woman! you're in cali! go outside!" kinda like this:
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and i spend a lot of time reading and writing
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

and dreaming up how i'm gonna finally decorate when i get home.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

i'll try to keep you updated more often.

life is really beautiful right now, and i want to share more of it.

i hope you'll do the same!

with love from the california coastline,
hillary
Sunday
Jul222007

When it Rains - It Opens Doors

it rained tonight when you left.
i thought it was fitting, 
since it hasn't rained the entire 2 months i've been here...
that tonight would be the night.

driving home from the airport
i got lost in the loops and the turns
purposefully taking my time
leaving the place i knew you were.
knowing you were so near. 
nearer than you'll be for weeks.

sepulveda took me to lincoln, 
and the sweetheart within me decided
the venice canals at dusk might stop the burning sensation within my chest
might squelch the hot tears from burning down my cheeks.

as i drove over each arched bridge
overlooking the waterfront homes
and their paddle powered vehicles parked outside 
i paused to count the boats of blues and yellows, 
i wondered how much more complete this view would be, 
with your hand in mind, and the curve of your smile illuminating the darkening canal ways.

i didn't allow myself to stop.
a romantic setting has no place for a girl like me-
who is supposed to be part of a pair...and has instead shown up empty handed-to it's environment of beauty and acceptance. 
love and admiration.
in this moment, i am the one
who can only bring to romance's door
an aching heart, and a void-unfillable by anything other than you.

i bought myself a cookie
at our raw food cafe.
it's apple and cinnamon.
it's warm and inviting.
it's comforting me, and i devoured it. 
as the comfort subsided, that hollow empty feeling resurfaced.

i decided to head home.

walking to my car, the first fat drop of rain
tapped me on the back of the wrist.
"remember me?" it prodded.
as it began heckling me with quick moving droplets
and a cold, windy chill

i don't recall the drive home
save for the seat heater, and the uncontrollable chill of being alone
once again
alone
and pining.

by the time i parked, and was staring the ocean in the face-
looking down the hill from the traffic blurred street before me
i could see the orange and pink skyline
fading into the thick grey rainclouds that had formed.

as the rain began to synchronize it's rhythm, 
it beat down upon my head and shoulders, 
and i succumbed to it's supremacy in the moment.

let the rain come.
let my tears come.
let it all flow.
let it all go.

release.

i know you'll be back.
i know there will be a day when we no longer have to say goodbye.

until then, 
let it rain.
it matches my mood.
and it blends in with my tears.

no one takes the time to see my face, contorted as it loses the fight not to cry-
when the rain's curtains are shielding my face.

let it rain.
let it rain.
let it rain.

i welcome it.
and i turn my face upward to greet it's cleansing touch.

iloveyouandmissyoudesperately
i will strive, in this here and now-to let you feel my love surround you.

i will close my eyes, and let the rain soothe my mind, and i concentrate on sending love vibrations your way.

i hope you can feel me the way i feel you. i hope you can stand-arms open wide-looking up at the universe at large...and that you can feel my love showering down upon you. with it's freshness, and enthusiasm for life. especially life with you.

i love you
me

Friday
Jun222007

Wandering & Wondering (Don't be frightened - this is cathartic for me.)

it's been awhile since i've written, but i can explain. 

in the past, i've been too dark and twisty. my writings can take on a life of their own and begin to choke me. so, if i'm writing dark and twisty, i find myself as morose and convoluted as the subjects i expound upon. 

instead, i've been focusing on the brighter side of life.the parts that reverberate and zing. they zip zap through your eyes right into your heart, spreading a vibration that's good. 
that's warm. 
that's pleasing. 

good. 

warm. 

pleasing. 

all nice things to aspire to. 

i hope that some of the things i write bring warmth or pleasure to this world. this entry, however, will do no such thing. there is no amount of sugar that could coat the darkness i feel tonight. 

i am sick, to the core, for my home. i do not want to be here...and if i thought for a moment that it would bring me closer to feeling at ease, i'd swim out from the pier, until i finally found sylvia, and we lived at the bottom of the ocean together. telling stories, and laughing about that oven incident. 

she'd say, "this was how i was meant to be, all along. underwater: choked, yet weightless. we no longer have that bothersome burden of breathing" 

and, i'd agree, nodding, and saying, "yes...yes..." because i agree with nearly everything syvia plath has to say. she is, after all, a celebrated writer. 

and, i...i am a never was. and, from my never was stance, i can say to sylvia, in the most candid of conversations:"honestly, sylvia...was it that bad?" and, she'd reply simply, with a coy smile...and no words. 

can someone please tell me what it is that i'm meant to do? slyvia, will you? 

i'm ready to get started, and the truth of it is...i'm wandering and wondering. 

wandering and wondering. 

wandering... 

"not all that wander, are lost". my eyes found those words emblazened on the backlit billboard beacon, in its prepackaged, and cost efficient "Life is Good" store located in my terminal at the airport. from its flourescent light pedastal, perched above us, it preaches to the lost masses, en masse, waiting for their glorified greyhound buses to go airborne. 

can someone please take me airborne, and take me home.i don't want a round trip ticket.i want a one way. 

i want....i want. 

ridiculous, selfish, pathetic cries to a world that is endlessly giving to each of us. 

i want. 

that's just it. i don't want for anything. all of my needs are met. all of my hierarchies are clearly laid out, and i fall somewhere on maslow's pyramid between desolate despair and zen-like floatation. that grey area, in between bad and good. kinda like the grey area between my ears...between bad and good. 
between mad and sensible. 
somewhere, juxtaposed with triumph, located between apathy, and perpetual busy-ness. 

i feel a lot like a little girl on that big roller coaster on the pier. i've watched and waited patiently in line, as the carriages would glide across my field of vision, invigorating and exhilirating its passengers. as the line shortened, and my own seat became available, my pulse quickened, and the knots in my stomach began to grow. 

as the bar swung down, overhead, and clamped into place tightly across my lap, i began to feel as if it all were wrong. this was not the ride for me...and that realization came as the ride lurched forward into motion. so, as the once graceful carriages, now surge, rather than glide....i clinch my jaw tighter, and white knuckle that bar.

can't let them see me sweat.

at least, not until i vomit...or we finally break free from these tracks. 

see, sylvia? you're always right.