Wednesday & Thursday's Recess

I have a whole host of doubts that like to sing choruses in my head.  They like to tell me things like, "You're wasting a perfectly good canvas."  And, "You'll be laughed at if you show anyone this."  

But, the defiant little girl inside of me screams at the top of her lungs and quiets them all - "Quiiiiiiieeeet!  I'm CrEaTiNg here - and I mustn't  be distracted by little ninnies, like you."  

I prefer to use the word "ninnie" to describe those horrid voices in my head, anyway.  Makes them sound as equally ridiculous as they really are.  Where in the world do those voices come from anyway - and where did they learn to HATE me so well?  I wish I were kinder to myself in most ways - but especially when I'm creating.  Painting.  Writing. Singing.  Attempting to play the guitar.  If I could just push mute on my brain when this is happening - well, that WOULD be heavenly.  As a matter of fact, I think it IS heavenly when you can - even if it is just for a few moments.  And, heaven can be practiced at little increments of time - here and there.  Oh, look, I just went two whole sentences - without ripping myself to shreds!  Here's to progress!  

This "heavenly" silence is something I'm cultivating through focused effort. Kinda like meditating - only the meditation is on self-love.  Self-Kindness.  Self-boasting instead of self-loathing.

And, I liken it to releasing myself from my own prision.  I liken it to the rubbing of a genie bottle.  With some coaxing, and some polishing - this beautiful, otherworldly creature will emerge.  She'll excite me with the newness of her vision - and with a wink of her eyes - she'll silence those inner critics, once and for all.  Ninnies that they are...

So, for the past couple of recesses - I've been painting this very image.  Bringing it forth from my mind - and onto that perfectly poised canvas.

It's a work in progress - but, it's been so fun to play with swirling colors - of my own choosing.  The smoothness of a freshly painted line - the transparency of watercolors.  It's been an experiment for the past three days - and it's been so rewarding.