For my Big Brother Reed

it snowed that Sunday. right after you left. big, wet flakes that land squarely on an out-thrust tongue, dust all surfaces like confection sugar, and melt immediately upon touching the ground.

it was beautiful.

i imagine you would have liked to have stood out there with me and mom, as we looked up at the sky, and the falling constellations of flakes. i tried to search for God's face up there...but, the snow kept landing on my lashes, and besides....i was blinking away tears. 

your bronchos played that day. and it snowed in denver, too. they lost by 3 points that night. for some reason, it just seemed appropriate, though. after all, we had lost you.

that night, i hardly slept. and, momma? well, momma didn't lay down the entire night i don't think. i could hear her bare feet trodding the wooden floor in the halls. her rhythmic pace was a comfort to me. it was comforting to feel the presence of someone who loves me so deeply and completely. and, from time to time, she'd peek in on me, to see if i was sleeping soundly. i kept my eyes closed tightly-partially hoping that in the morning, i'd awake, and this would just be another one of my strange dreams. i prayed and prayed that it all was just a vicious rumor. 

that was not the case.

i suppose the part that hurts the most is that i never sat you down and told you how i felt about you. and, i suppose the part that accompanies that is the realization that i probably never would have had this encounter with myself, if you hadn't left.

i don't understand why things happen the way they do. i choose to not think about the heartache you faced in life. instead, i want to take this time to just talk to you as i normally would. to tell you some of the things that i should've told you last christmas when we were playing Halo.

you are one of the most beautiful individuals i have ever known in my entire life.

i hope Nana Self was there to greet you. 

i went to your house last wednesday, and on thanksgiving, too. i didn't know you weren't there. i thought it was funny that both of your cars were there and you weren't answering the door. i just figured you were with your family. if i had known you were sick, i would have visited. i would have sent you my prayers. i would have told you stories to make you laugh (i think you know one in particular that always brought you to tears...that's STILL my most embarrasing moment, you know...)

i miss you so badly that, at times, it is difficult to breathe.

momma said that this is what you wanted. that you are where you always wanted to be. i agree. you are the lucky one. it is us, here, who have to suffer the loss of such a beautiful soul.

i always thought of you as my "big br-wudda 'weed", and i always will.

i can't seem to stop crying. i guess part of me hopes that at some point i will have cried it all out. but, it just seems so unfair. you were doing so much more with your life than someone like me....why was it you? why was it you? 

i want to thank you for always listening to me talk about boys, and my struggles and decisions with them. i want to thank you for reminding me of my worth, and for encouraging me to hold out for the man that God intends for me. i'm still holding out, Reed...i'm still holding on.

i want you to know that i understand the heartbreak you and i talked about. and that i know it more intimately, now, than i possibly ever have.

you, singlehandedly, fostered my belief that there are romantic men in this world, and that there are men who will buy you flowers, and sing you songs, and treat you like a princess. thank you for showing heather that sort of romance. i suppose now would be a good time to tell you that i used to lay in the hallway with my security blanket, and my ear up to heather's door, just so i could hear you when you climbed the TV tower to sing to her at night. 

harry connick jr will always remind me of you. 

i think you had the sweetest nose i've ever seen in my life. when i went to see you last week at the funeral home, i just had to touch it with my finger like i used to. i poked you right on the end of the nose and told you, "i love you, bubba." it was then that i realized, finally and completely, that you weren't there. that was just a shell-that your soul is somewhere else.

we made indoor s'mores the night of your funeral. just like you taught me to do...and, i toasted mine perfectly this time-just like you taught me. instead of catching it on fire and waving it around the way i used to do when you babysat me.

i ate some cookie-dough on sunday, too. it wasn't the same without you, though.

i am proud of all the things you did with your life. subseven was an AWEsome band with and AWEsome message. you witnessed to so many.

but, i still have an appreciation for depeche. after all, that's something i learned from you, too. in fact, heather and i listened to your tapes on the way to the airport...and she played the keyboard on the dash just like you used to do. we laughed a lot. we're helping each other heal. and, i want you to know that i'm going to be here for her just the way you were. you were her best friend, you know...and i'm not sure i can do the same job you did. but, i intend to do my best for her. she's being so brave.

i want to write a book for you. (maybe publish it in tandem with the one i wrote about your cat...remember that one? "booger's in the bathtub!" ha!) i want to sing a song. i want to share the impact you've had on me-but, i seem to be paralyzed with grief and fear.

this tangled up mess of words was all i could muster up...and believe me, i've been contemplating this for a WEEK, now. (i can't believe you've been gone a week.)

i wish i was more eloquent. i wish you were here now to hug.

i guess, what i really want to say is "thank you". 

thank you for saving our family (and i know you know what this means).

i miss you big brother.

i love you, reed.

until next time, (and, i'm sure they'll be a next time)
hillary