back where i started

i'm back in oklahoma, visiting family and seeing old friends. and, while i am so glad that i am here, now - getting on the plane to come here was one of the more difficult things that i've done in a while. i've been very resistant to come back to ok, because everything seems to remind me of something in my life that has been broken or someone who we've lost. a surreal example of this is the car i'm driving while i'm here. it was my grandmother's. it still smells like her - and walking up on it, parked at the airport last night - my silly little heart decided to flutter the way it would if she were the one who was waiting inside to drive me home. of course she wasn't. and, of course, those hot tears were choked back, yet again. last night i sat up with my longest running best friend forever, my sister, heather-and we just talked like we always do. but, i guess i sometimes forget how good she is for me. she's truly an angel, and it's so nice to see her pretty liitle face. she and i were talking about how much i've changed in the past few years. the way she puts it, i'm now "just a shell" of the hillary she grew up knowing and loving. apparantly, i no longer display that joie de vive that used to bubble up from the inside. instead, she said it's like my skeleton is here - but, my emotions - my soul are absent. truth is, i feel like a shell. i feel pretty empty. actually, it's not that i feel totally "empty" - it's more like i'm jammed full of a mess of thoughts and memories that are all hollow now. so there's this "junk" thats cluttering up my mind and my heart-and it's all empty-if that makes sense. it's all just the remains of what i've held dear. and, i do feel pretty far removed from my past persona. laughing doesn't come as easy as it used to. (except around a few people who seem to bring that out in me, like heather, thank goodness.) heather played this song for me by Sanctus Real called "Whatever You're Doing". she cried as we listened to it, and i just lay my head on her shoulder and rubbed her back while we let the music wash over us. my heart aches still, but the tears are drying up, now. instead, i find myself often getting angry in the same situations that used to make my cry. it's a strange journey through grief, but hearing something like that song - can help me find the part of my heart that is still tender, because that part starts to swell when it's touched. i put the song on my profile - listen to it if you can. it's beautiful. so, i've decided that perhaps the prescription i need to follow is this: to surround myself with people who make me smile. i can't be a hermit forever... i plan to see a few old friends while i'm here. and i plan to soak up the exerience of being in their presence. i know so many fantastic people in oklahoma. so many who inspire me, just because of who they are-or how they think. i need to immerse myself in other people right now. i need new experiences. new memories. something rich, something juicy - something to light me back up and to fill this hole in my chest. it's good to be home. it's good to be reminded who you are - and that there are actually people out there that care about you, personally - just because you are you. over the next week, i hope i'm reminded. i hope i'm re-fueled. i'm determined to be a listener this week, and not so much of a "talker". i don't have much to say, anyway. i'd rather just fully immerse myself in new thoughts and ideas - those of my familly and friends. if you're in OK, i'm here until next thursday - wanna go get coffee or something? you know how to reach me... hopeful and thankfully yours, hillary