When it Rains - It Opens Doors

it rained tonight when you left.
i thought it was fitting, 
since it hasn't rained the entire 2 months i've been here...
that tonight would be the night.

driving home from the airport
i got lost in the loops and the turns
purposefully taking my time
leaving the place i knew you were.
knowing you were so near. 
nearer than you'll be for weeks.

sepulveda took me to lincoln, 
and the sweetheart within me decided
the venice canals at dusk might stop the burning sensation within my chest
might squelch the hot tears from burning down my cheeks.

as i drove over each arched bridge
overlooking the waterfront homes
and their paddle powered vehicles parked outside 
i paused to count the boats of blues and yellows, 
i wondered how much more complete this view would be, 
with your hand in mind, and the curve of your smile illuminating the darkening canal ways.

i didn't allow myself to stop.
a romantic setting has no place for a girl like me-
who is supposed to be part of a pair...and has instead shown up empty handed-to it's environment of beauty and acceptance. 
love and admiration.
in this moment, i am the one
who can only bring to romance's door
an aching heart, and a void-unfillable by anything other than you.

i bought myself a cookie
at our raw food cafe.
it's apple and cinnamon.
it's warm and inviting.
it's comforting me, and i devoured it. 
as the comfort subsided, that hollow empty feeling resurfaced.

i decided to head home.

walking to my car, the first fat drop of rain
tapped me on the back of the wrist.
"remember me?" it prodded.
as it began heckling me with quick moving droplets
and a cold, windy chill

i don't recall the drive home
save for the seat heater, and the uncontrollable chill of being alone
once again
alone
and pining.

by the time i parked, and was staring the ocean in the face-
looking down the hill from the traffic blurred street before me
i could see the orange and pink skyline
fading into the thick grey rainclouds that had formed.

as the rain began to synchronize it's rhythm, 
it beat down upon my head and shoulders, 
and i succumbed to it's supremacy in the moment.

let the rain come.
let my tears come.
let it all flow.
let it all go.

release.

i know you'll be back.
i know there will be a day when we no longer have to say goodbye.

until then, 
let it rain.
it matches my mood.
and it blends in with my tears.

no one takes the time to see my face, contorted as it loses the fight not to cry-
when the rain's curtains are shielding my face.

let it rain.
let it rain.
let it rain.

i welcome it.
and i turn my face upward to greet it's cleansing touch.

iloveyouandmissyoudesperately
i will strive, in this here and now-to let you feel my love surround you.

i will close my eyes, and let the rain soothe my mind, and i concentrate on sending love vibrations your way.

i hope you can feel me the way i feel you. i hope you can stand-arms open wide-looking up at the universe at large...and that you can feel my love showering down upon you. with it's freshness, and enthusiasm for life. especially life with you.

i love you
me