The shortest woman in the congregation approached me after services.  Her shock of blonde hair knotted on top of her head was the only indication she was making a move through the crowd.  Bounding over chairs as the rest of the large congregation waited patiently to file out of the auditorium, she made a beeline directly towards me.  I was waiting patiently for my row to file out when she approached with her blonde topknot and wide smile to make her introduction.  “I hope you’re open to things like this,” she said.  “I am being given a message from your angels.  Would you like to hear what they have to say?”  Proudly being a new-agey Californian, I replied curiously, “Of course.”

“Well, I just feel like you’re supposed to be up on that podium,” she said.  “Your have a story to tell and we’re supposed to hear it.  You’ve been gifted with an experience that will help to heal people.  It will help so many.  I don’t know exactly what your story is, but I just feel like you’re supposed to tell it.  Does that make any sense to you?”  I couldn’t speak, but my subconscious was nodding furiously.  “Yes, ma’am.  That does make sense.  Thank you for telling me.” 

With that, she gave me a hug and stepped away.  The congregation had dispersed, but I stood there for a moment with the realization of what had just happened hanging heavily overhead.  I knew exactly the story that I was supposed to tell, but it was not something I felt others would be receptive to hearing.  Perplexed, I exited the auditorium and made my way towards my car.  I wondered to myself, “God, is that you?  Do you seriously do things like that now?”  My mother would tell me to beware of false prophets, but I had to wonder, “Of all the people at the 11am service – why did that sweet woman pick me?”  

And, so, with that - a tiny seed was planted. This nudge I needed from the universe to get back to writing and sharing on this little blog of mine was squarely delivered months ago, but I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

I certainly have been gifted with a diverse set of experiences and a deep longing to share those stories in a search for meaning.  If they'll help to heal others the way this sweet, little blonde messenger said, then: Amen.

With the fresh calendar page of January 2017 quickly filling up, much has been on my heart and mind.  I want to know that I'm living a life with purpose and meaning packed in between all of the flurry of activities. I've been searching my heart and my mind for what that purpose could be for years now.  Could it really be as simple as sharing my stories?

I drove myself to the beach tonight just in time for sunset.  I sat looking out at the cotton candy colored clouds as they melted into the horizon and I thought - you can do this, Hillary.  You can try to share, again.  

You see, sharing your personal stories can be scary.  It opens you to a vulnerability that is akin to nakedness - and if that nakedness leads to rejection, then you'd better have a pretty thick skin or some broad / sloped shoulders so you can brush it off.  

I can't claim to have either of those - but, what I do have is a heart that longs for connection.  And, if experience has told me anything - you aren't going to find that connection or that meaning in isolation.

So, here's to sharing our stories and opening ourselves to new connections, healing transformations and miraculous discoveries.  

"Every day we slaughter our finest impulses.  That is why we get a heartache when we read the lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty.  Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths."  -Henry Miller

We are all creative individuals.  You may not think of yourself as such, but it is true!  Whether it's deciding what pair of shoes to wear today - or deciding how to cook your eggs in the morning - all of our lives are speckled with moments of creativity - moments when YOU decide what tastes, looks, smells, or feels good.  

Think about it like this - when we were six, we all were artists.  We all drew, painted, sang, danced, and created all manner of imaginary worlds in which to play.  Somewhere along the way, we began to quiet our unique voice - because we thought that there was something more sensible, adult, or productive that we could be doing with our time.  

What could possibly be more important than creating and expressing?  Isn't even our God called the Great Creator?  He hard-wired each of us to also have a longing and a desire to express our uniqueness in various ways.  This is what is your gift.  Perhaps it is fashion, or cooking, or making music - but, each of us have been "gifted" with something.  To not give that gift to the world is the ultimate selfish act.  Not one other person in all eternity will ever see the world the way you see it.  So, by all means - share!

Yet, an awful lot of people are suppressing their creativity.  Stifling that still, small voice - until it's barely audible. Perhaps you're able to appease that voice - by doodling while you're on the phone - or learning guitar cover songs for a spell.  That's like feeding a hungry child a diet consisting only of ramen noodles and water and expecting them to be happy and healthy.  It's not enough substance to holistically nurture and replenish. Neither are your lame attempts at doodling during that boring Sales Meeting.  No, we must first determine that we will re-introduce ourselves to that inner artist - and that daily, we will seek to see things through that creative viewpoint.  And, what's more - we must commit to allowing that voice of ours a moment or two each day - to teach us something, to show us the gold and amber hues in the sunset - or the funny lilt in our best friends voice.  And, we must record it somehow.  In a journal, in a letter, on a canvas, in a song, through a new twist to an old recipe - but, we must feed our creative selves - or risk becoming crippled and shut down from the newness of the world.

Children see things through a fresh perspective.  They embrace newness - and are unafraid to try and draw anything at all.  Ask a child, who's young enough to still have their artist intact, and they'll draw dinosaurs and helicopters and all sorts of things that as adults we say are "too hard" to draw.  

Who was it that told us that we aren't creative?  When was it that we began to believe that we didn't have anything of worth to say?  Why is it that it's easier to allow that inner artist to starve in the back corner of our minds - than it is to embrace and encourage creativity?

I assume it came along with the stereotypes that we all learned about artists - as dreamers - unstable, lazy, poor, unproductive people.  And, we assume that if we keep our opinions to ourselves, we can avoid disappointing or shocking anyone.  But, deep inside - we still have that desire to create.  If only we had the time, money, support, education, tools, support, freedom - THEN we'd be creative.  But, alas, we choose to believe that isn't for us - so we lock that desire away-hoping that disregard will do the trick.  

When that inner artist begins to ache, we then reach for an anesthetic - TV, food, drinks, drugs, defensiveness, adoption of the mass culture - anything to deny who we truly are and to keep us out of touch with our own original selves - our true nature.  After all, THAT part of who we are tends to be unorthodox - outside of the box - and we can't have any of that now, can we?

I say we can.  I say it's time to embrace that crippled creative child in the corner - and listen to what her raspy whisper has to tell me.  In time, she will be stronger - and as I re-open my mind and my eyes to the beauties of the world around me - she will be fulfilled.  

Creativity isn't just making things - it is to see and feel the world so purposefully that you can put together patterns that help to explain reality to the rest of the world.  It means to be fully present and alive - in the moment - and to recognize and celebrate the beauty all around us.

This year, I've decided that my eyes will be opened - and that my creativity will be nursed back to health.  No longer will I stifle the longing to write - or paint - or draw - or act.  My plan?  To set an appointment with myself for each day - which I will honor in the same way that I honor a Doctors Appointment or a Sales Meeting.  But, to make sure that it's done in the spirit of childlike wonder - I'm declaring this time "Recess".

That's right - each day, I'm setting aside 30 minutes to an hour for my very own recess.  In that time (which will be spent alone) - I will dance, or sing, or draw, or quiet my mind and explore to the recesses (corners) of my brain.  I'll begin recording these experiences and my musings in song or story - some of which I will share right here!

I hope you'll do the same - give yourself Recess each day- and that you'll share more of what you find back here, in the comments, with the rest of us.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."  - George Eliot

i've tried to write - so many times, recently. 
i'll make the necessary clicks to get to this blank blog page - and blink at the cursor as it blinks back at me.

i am not empty - but, my words are

i haven't stopped reading though-and seeking music that awakens me.
lately, it feels like music is a kick-start for my tired heart

i don't know where i'm about to head with my life - but, i've been seeking out options and considering nothing as a limitation, except my own fear.

at 28, fear is a much greater factor in my life than i would like to admit. 
i've been a fearful girl my entire life. sincerely.
and, usually this fear is well based - because it's only been a matter of time before life would rise back up 
and smack me (or my family) in the face:

i realize, now - this is true for everyone.

and, so i don't feel like the thoughts i have any more are so original
or merit a blog - requesting of you - your time to read it and possibly respond.

i keep waiting for that epiphany moment of inspired writing. 
that laser focused moment of clarity which will release all of this energy that is collecting inside of me

i'm ready for a release 
and to find my channel for this next period of my life
once i find it - all of my energy will flow in that positive direction.

until then, though - i seek - and my cursor blinks..