I used to pity "Weekend Warriors".  Because I worked from home and had a group of friends who were active every day of the week.  I never thought I'd be one of "them".  I always thought that I'd just intrinsically get outside into the sun and have recess regardless of where I was or who I was with.

I was wrong.

Since moving to LA six months ago, I haven't been surfing, yet - unless you count the internet.  I go to work and come home exhausted after 6pm.  I don't have a group of friends waiting at the boat dock for me to hop on-board and I don't have any buddies going to catch a set before or after work (at least, not yet).  

So, it's no wonder I've been feeling so blue.  I only average about 4 hours of sunlight a week, now.  

I got up Saturday morning and I cried.  I cried for all the friends and the memories we've made to this point.  I cried because I didn't have anyone here to meet up with or go play with - not even on the weekends.  I cried because I fear that part of my life has passed - and I don't want it to be that way.

Then, I put on my big girl panties - (okay, I really put on my bikini) and I went to the beach with my dog, Jack.  We walked the boardwalk - we got some sun - we even made friends with a homeless man named Puck.  Jack and I sat and talked with Puck for over an hour.  And, Puck said to me, "You look at that Ocean like it's a long lost lover....why?"  And, I told him the truth.  I told him how I used to surf and wakeboard and how I haven't been in the ocean for over 6 months.  And, once again - I was crying.  

He said, "Well, that's an easy fix...get out there!"

He's right.

Just because I don't have people calling me - doesn't mean I have to put my life on hold and wait for when they do.  I can do things to make myself happy - right now.

When I started this web-site - it was to encourage everyone to take at least 30 minutes a day to have "recess" - and at the time that was a really simple thing for me to do.

Now, I'm married and moved to a new town - and well....I probably don't have to tell you that before last Saturday - I don't know when the last time was that I had recess.

So, here I am : looking at the life I am currently living and I'm finding it lacking.

What it is lacking is my own attention to fun, laughter and JOY.  So, I'm writing this as a confessional - to admit that I haven't been taking care of me - and to share with you that I no longer want to live this "weekend warrior" lifestyle.  It may mean that I have to sacrifice some sleep.  It may mean that I have to do it alone, again - but, the truth is - I need to re-claim some fun for myself.

I need an extended recess - and I need to remember to observe it daily.

So, here's to putting yourself out there. 

Here's to setting goals and to making time for yourself.  

Feel free to hold me accountable. 

I'm sad.  Often.

I suppose you could say that I have lived my entire life with a broken heart.

And, that has handicapped me.

It has cost me relationships.

It has cost me happiness.

It continues to oppress me.

The best I seem to be able to do is have "days".

Days where I don't cry.

Days where I go outside to see the sun.

Days where I try to get past the ache in my heart.

But, it's always waiting for me.

And, I seem to always default back to the pain.

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm sad that I'm always so sad.

I need a friend.

I need love.

I need affection.

But, you can't be a bundle of needs with nothing left to give.

That'll cause people to run.

And, so I hide it.  My pain.  My sadness.  My ache.

And, I own it.

It becomes me.

And, I must say...it's a contstant.

It never lets me down.  

It just robs me of everything else.

From Out the Cave
by Joyce Sutphen

When you have been
at war with yourself
for so many years that
you have forgotten why,
when you have been driving
for hours and only
gradually begin to realize
that you have lost the way,
when you have cut
hastily into the fabric,
when you have signed
papers in distraction,
when it has been centuries
since you watched the sun set
or the rain fall, and the clouds,
drifting overhead, pass as flat
as anything on a postcard;
when, in the midst of these
everyday nightmares, you
understand that you could
wake up,
you could turn
and go back
to the last thing you
remember doing
with your whole heart:
that passionate kiss,
the brilliant drop of love
rolling along the tongue of a green leaf,
then you wake,
you stumble from your cave,
blinking in the sun,
naming every shadow
as it slips.

I've been thinking a lot about the connections we all share - that same life that lights up each of our eyes and fills our lungs with breath.

I've been contemplating how lifetimes of love and experience can be shared between people in a few moments or years - that's why you can be young, but feel so old.

Death or disconnection is such a powerful, spiritually altering experience.

Experience, then change, can leave YOU changed.  It doesn't matter if the change is sudden or not.  (Death vs a slowly dying relationship.)

When I really tune in to what my heart is FEELING - it is a resounding pain for the people who I've loved and since lost.  This can be a living person, too.  Moving away from friends, family, certain lifestyles - it's all being mourned, right now.  I need some wisdom from the conversations we used to have.  I'm fearful I'll never know a connection like that again.  

I live in a beautiful city - with a wonderful husband & our cat & dog.  I understand that I have much to be grateful for, right now.  I do love being here and I do NOT want to discount how much I enjoy being here...

I'm just saying.  I miss my friends in Texas, OK & Miami.  I miss my Nana.  My Grandma Banks.  Reed.

The list could go on... 

So - lately I've been trying to focus on the connection I shared with all of them - and how it is still present in my life, now.  For instance, when a U2 or Depeche Mode song comes on the radio - I'm going to smile and dance in my seat and think about Reed.  And, that helps me to make new friends or it enhances the beauty of this new scenery.  I feel like he's in the passenger seat - playing keyboard on the dashboard - and pointing out things as we pass through this Southern California scene.  I am beginning to recognize that when another person lights up and begins to sing along with Bono - they share something kindred with me & with Reed...and, so the Connection continues.

Sometimes, I'll just sit quietly and send my thoughts strongly and intently toward a person - or toward the greater conscousness (God).  And, I'll be grateful - just so, so grateful - that I got to know that person.  My friend taught me to do that when you miss a person.  And, it has helped me so much.

I know it's a rambler - but, I think that's exactly where I'm supposed to be right now...rambling along in the present and recongizing the Connection.