it snowed that Sunday. right after you left. big, wet flakes that land squarely on an out-thrust tongue, dust all surfaces like confection sugar, and melt immediately upon touching the ground.
it was beautiful.
i imagine you would have liked to have stood out there with me and mom, as we looked up at the sky, and the falling constellations of flakes. i tried to search for God's face up there...but, the snow kept landing on my lashes, and besides....i was blinking away tears.
your bronchos played that day. and it snowed in denver, too. they lost by 3 points that night. for some reason, it just seemed appropriate, though. after all, we had lost you.
that night, i hardly slept. and, momma? well, momma didn't lay down the entire night i don't think. i could hear her bare feet trodding the wooden floor in the halls. her rhythmic pace was a comfort to me. it was comforting to feel the presence of someone who loves me so deeply and completely. and, from time to time, she'd peek in on me, to see if i was sleeping soundly. i kept my eyes closed tightly-partially hoping that in the morning, i'd awake, and this would just be another one of my strange dreams. i prayed and prayed that it all was just a vicious rumor.
that was not the case.
i suppose the part that hurts the most is that i never sat you down and told you how i felt about you. and, i suppose the part that accompanies that is the realization that i probably never would have had this encounter with myself, if you hadn't left.
i don't understand why things happen the way they do. i choose to not think about the heartache you faced in life. instead, i want to take this time to just talk to you as i normally would. to tell you some of the things that i should've told you last christmas when we were playing Halo.
you are one of the most beautiful individuals i have ever known in my entire life.
i hope Nana Self was there to greet you.
i went to your house last wednesday, and on thanksgiving, too. i didn't know you weren't there. i thought it was funny that both of your cars were there and you weren't answering the door. i just figured you were with your family. if i had known you were sick, i would have visited. i would have sent you my prayers. i would have told you stories to make you laugh (i think you know one in particular that always brought you to tears...that's STILL my most embarrasing moment, you know...)
i miss you so badly that, at times, it is difficult to breathe.
momma said that this is what you wanted. that you are where you always wanted to be. i agree. you are the lucky one. it is us, here, who have to suffer the loss of such a beautiful soul.
i always thought of you as my "big br-wudda 'weed", and i always will.
i can't seem to stop crying. i guess part of me hopes that at some point i will have cried it all out. but, it just seems so unfair. you were doing so much more with your life than someone like me....why was it you? why was it you?
i want to thank you for always listening to me talk about boys, and my struggles and decisions with them. i want to thank you for reminding me of my worth, and for encouraging me to hold out for the man that God intends for me. i'm still holding out, Reed...i'm still holding on.
i want you to know that i understand the heartbreak you and i talked about. and that i know it more intimately, now, than i possibly ever have.
you, singlehandedly, fostered my belief that there are romantic men in this world, and that there are men who will buy you flowers, and sing you songs, and treat you like a princess. thank you for showing heather that sort of romance. i suppose now would be a good time to tell you that i used to lay in the hallway with my security blanket, and my ear up to heather's door, just so i could hear you when you climbed the TV tower to sing to her at night.
harry connick jr will always remind me of you.
i think you had the sweetest nose i've ever seen in my life. when i went to see you last week at the funeral home, i just had to touch it with my finger like i used to. i poked you right on the end of the nose and told you, "i love you, bubba." it was then that i realized, finally and completely, that you weren't there. that was just a shell-that your soul is somewhere else.
we made indoor s'mores the night of your funeral. just like you taught me to do...and, i toasted mine perfectly this time-just like you taught me. instead of catching it on fire and waving it around the way i used to do when you babysat me.
i ate some cookie-dough on sunday, too. it wasn't the same without you, though.
i am proud of all the things you did with your life. subseven was an AWEsome band with and AWEsome message. you witnessed to so many.
but, i still have an appreciation for depeche. after all, that's something i learned from you, too. in fact, heather and i listened to your tapes on the way to the airport...and she played the keyboard on the dash just like you used to do. we laughed a lot. we're helping each other heal. and, i want you to know that i'm going to be here for her just the way you were. you were her best friend, you know...and i'm not sure i can do the same job you did. but, i intend to do my best for her. she's being so brave.
i want to write a book for you. (maybe publish it in tandem with the one i wrote about your cat...remember that one? "booger's in the bathtub!" ha!) i want to sing a song. i want to share the impact you've had on me-but, i seem to be paralyzed with grief and fear.
this tangled up mess of words was all i could muster up...and believe me, i've been contemplating this for a WEEK, now. (i can't believe you've been gone a week.)
i wish i was more eloquent. i wish you were here now to hug.
i guess, what i really want to say is "thank you".
thank you for saving our family (and i know you know what this means).
i miss you big brother.
i love you, reed.
until next time, (and, i'm sure they'll be a next time)
hillary
katie told me that spinning around in circles made her feel alive.
all i felt was dizzy.
i looked up at the coral hues of orange... persimmon... as i spiralled around the field that day. still, the dizzying blur of color and the autumn air in my lungs were intoxicating.
"you should probably stop, now."
i had been warned.
maybe that's why all i felt was dizzy when i finally did stop.
i'd taken it to extremes, again.
seems to be a re-occurring theme in my life:
Take it to the Limit.
i've been dangling over the edge, before....pondering if the trip down would even be that bad in the first place.
i ended up being lifted to safety, without giving consent. thank you to each of you who decided i was worth going over that ledge for. and, thank you for bringing me back.
now, taking it to the limit, has a different meaning. no longer do i flirt with disaster, the way i used to. at least, not purposely. but, now...it seems the dizzying pace of my life is such that even if i did stop...all i would feel is dizzy and disillusioned.
turning in circles isn't for me.
i'm more of a zig-zag girl, myself, anyway.
;) until next time,
you zig-and i'll zag-and katie....well, katie's gonna spin.
much much love-
hillllllllllary
Category: Life
katie told me that spinning around in circles made her feel alive.
all i felt was dizzy.
i looked up at the coral hues of orange... persimmon... as i spiralled around the field that day. still, the dizzying blur of color and the autumn air in my lungs were intoxicating.
"you should probably stop, now."
i had been warned.
maybe that's why all i felt was dizzy when i finally did stop.
i'd taken it to extremes, again.
seems to be a re-occurring theme in my life:
Take it to the Limit.
i've been dangling over the edge, before....pondering if the trip down would even be that bad in the first place.
i ended up being lifted to safety, without giving consent. thank you to each of you who decided i was worth going over that ledge for. and, thank you for bringing me back.
now, taking it to the limit, has a different meaning. no longer do i flirt with disaster, the way i used to. at least, not purposely. but, now...it seems the dizzying pace of my life is such that even if i did stop...all i would feel is dizzy and disillusioned.
turning in circles isn't for me.
i'm more of a zig-zag girl, myself, anyway.
;) until next time,
you zig-and i'll zag-and katie....well, katie's gonna spin.
much much love-
hillllllllllary
i think. a lot.
i dream big.
i record things in my mind like a movie. i see color. close-ups. thematics. panoramas.
swimming in the rain is one of my new favorite pasttimes. to see the drops hit the water and bounce up...it's beautiful.
i get scared of heights. i kinda like being scared sometimes.
i'm learning that being physically thrown around on a wakeboard is pretty fun, too. it sorta knocks you back to your senses. falling usually doesn't hurt as much as you think it will.
if you are talking to me, i am more than likely looking at your mouth or your eyes.
gossip hurts my heart.
i love it when elliott kisses me on the forehead, and he puts his strong hand along the nape of my neck.
i love it when i can rest my head on his chest.
my friend michelle is one of the biggest blessings in my life.
my mom and my sisters are more important to me than i can fully explain.
my friend misty deserves a shout-out, too....she inspires me, she challenges me, and most of all...she makes me smile.
i want to knock the whole "true love" thing out of the ballpark. i strive to do so, everyday.
i can sense a sort of peace that is washing over my life. it's making me less brash and more humble. i welcome it with open arms.
travelling. experiencing things for the first time fuels my soul.
i've been called dark and twisty. i think they're right.
inspire me. i'll do my best to return the favor.
somebody asked me
to get three sheets of paper
and write one thing that i want
on
each
of
them.
then, i was supposed to write:
"these are the reasons why i want this thing."
and
"these are the reasons i believe i'll have this thing."
and
i. couldn't. think. of. anything.
not.
one.
thing.
i honestly do not want for anything, right now.
all of my needs are met.
all of my longings fulfilled.
my chest beats
with . peace . . . . .
and to name one thing
would be to
single out
one attibute
in the careful balance of perfection.
it is incomprehensible.
thank God.
thus,
it
is
safe.
sincerely, humbly, graciously present-
hillary
Back in September, I shared a list of 100 things I've always wanted to do. I'm happy to have found, that I have already experienced eleven of the one-hundred since then!
5. Have a solid spirituality.
18. Be content with my body (healthy & strong).
29. Get into Yoga.
35. Go on a US Road Trip (document it).
38. Have a toned stomach I'm proud of.
48. Tithe regularly.
50. Go Snowboarding.
51. Have a hammock.
74. Study the bible regularly. *(And various other spiritual and philosophical texts.)
84. Learn to surf.
97. Drive a speedboat (or ride in one, at least).
one hundred ways to live a life uncommon
My friend, Chasta, asked me to repost this about three months ago, and I'm just getting around to it. But, it's fun to revisit, and set my eyes on what's next. And, perhaps, what needs to be replaced.
Just for good measure, i've reposted the original, below:
100 ways to live a live uncommon
my good friend, de, asked me to write out a list of 100 things i've always wanted to do in my lifetime. i loved the fact that he challenged me to take the time to put them down on paper.
so, last night, i did. i sat down, markers and sketchbook in hand, and i day dreamed. it's funny how easy you'll smile when you're dreaming up things you want to do!
some of the things i've already done, but i want to do, again. many are things that are years, even decades into the future before i'll accomplish them. but, God willing, i'll be able to check these off my list one-by-one.
i thought long and hard about not sharing this list..."it's too private," i thought.
but, the truth be told...i'll be so happy to have accomplished each of these, i'm certain i'd share them with you anyway. and, while dreams are private, they can be inspirational when shared.
i challenge each of you to take the same steps...set aside some time and some paper to curl up with your own thoughts and your own dreams.
and, together, let's slowly begin to make them reality.
and, my list begins:
1. Finish my book.
2. Join the Peace Corp (or something equivalent).
3. Learn to play the guitar.
4. Lay under the stars and hold hands with the man I'm in love with.
5. Have a solid spirituality.
6. Finish my degree.
7. Repay my mom (financially take care of her, if possible, pay all of her bills off for her.)
8. Go rock climbing/hiking (in an exotic place).
9. Own my own home.
10. Have my very own studio.
11. Backpack Europe with my best friend/the man I love.
12. Own a dog that I take care of (and train) properly.
13. Learn to play the piano.
14. Have a pen pal.
15. Make a beautiful pastiche/scrapbook (complete from cover to cover)
16. Win a Super Mario Game (Save the Princess!)
17. Write a song (or two...)
18. Be content with my body (healthy and strong)
19. Volunteer (Any cause would be good)
20. Try to get published
21. Take a painting course/class
22. Help with a political cause
23. See Greece
24. Take a Hip-Hop Dance Class
25. Bake my own Thanksgiving Dinner
26. Join a Church
27. Learn/Consistently execute heel & toe side 2 wakes.
28. Volunteer at Church.
29. Get into Yoga.
30. Read my poetry out-loud (open mic night)
31. Visit NYC
32. Direct a Children's Play
33. Visit Washington D.C.
34. Travel to France
35. Go on a US Roadtrip (Document it)
36. Get back on stage (Acting/Singing)
37. See New Orleans (Voodoo Priestesses & Historic Tours)
38. Have a toned stomach I'm proud of.
39. Pay for my momma and I to take a trip.
40. Marry the man of my dreams. Be the woman of his.
41. Get back into photography.
42. Mentor a child.
43. Record some of MY music.
44. Ride in a hot air balloon.
45. Go to the very top of a skyscraper and look off!
46. Win something at the State Fair.
47. See Seattle.
48. Tithe regularly.
49. Know peace. True peace...within. (Wake-up feeling peaceful and aligned.)
50. Go snowboarding.
51. Have a hammock.
52. Be "set" financially.
53. Grow something in my own garden.
54. See Boston (Watch a Red Sox Game)
55. Go Dog Sledding (Again)
56. Visit Amsterdam (Ride a Bike past the windmills. Take pictures.)
57. Stay in San Francisco (Drink Coffee/ Hear Poetry)
58. Go to Australia (Do a Safari)
59. Have a Hot Tub
60. Stay in a snowy cabin retreat with a fire and the man I love.
61. Live alone for a good while longer and embrace it.
62. Paint a picture I can be proud of.
63. Go back to London (again and again...)
64. See Alaska
65. Go Fishin' again (with Grandma Ludie, if possible.)
66. Establish a scholarship fund.
67. Fill up a piggy bank. Spend it on something good!
68. Hit a boxing speed bag (& make it do that bibbity-bob thing.)
69. Go Sailing, again....in a sail boat!
70. See South America (Stay in a hut...with mosquito nets.)
71. Take an interior decorating course.
72. Make some homemaid pottery.
73. Take a cruise.
74. Study the bible (regularly).
75. Make my momma proud (see it on her face).
76. Own my own business.
77. Learn to play the jimbay.
78. Help campaign for a cause I believe in.
79. Go to Canada.
80. Write a column for a newspaper (or a blog).
81. Have children (1 or 2...when the time's right.)
82. Crochet or cross-stitch something.
83. Jump off things I'm afraid to jump off of.
84. Learn to surf.
85. Play Santa Clause for someone.
86. Do a back flip!
87. Go on surfing trips!
88. Have my own web-site.
89. Bake cookies. Give them away.
90. Kiss in the rain.
91. Be debt free!
92. Make someone breakfast in bed.
93. Spend the day in a "cubby hole" making up stories and napping.
94. Have my own fitness regime (and studio!) :)
95. Have a personal assistant.
96. Have a vacation in Spain. (Ride a train.)
97. Drive a speedboat (or ride in one, at least!)
98. Learn Belly dancing
99. Spend a day at the zoo. (Watch the monkeys!)
100. Fly First Class (Especially to Europe).
Tonight, I turned it all away.
Tonight, I just unplugged.
Turned off the phones-
Left the door knock, unknown.
Found myself drifting into an early evening sleep.
The voice over the answering machine was warm
it felt as though it were speaking right to me
from within the room
the person vibrating in that tone
is one of my favorite people on the planet.
I relax deeper into the softness of the bed.
I begin to feel the pulse in my neck-
and feel the scratch of my breath
in
and
out.
my nose is a little crooked, you see.
and it tends to feel like its sideways,
the air scratching its way into my chest
rather than free-flowing.
i rather like it.
it's unusual.
atypical.
like me.
the neighbors tonight are arguing.
only one's not a neighbor to me.
just someone whos here in this moment
contributing to this one scene.
she's obviously upset with him
and they jolly the blame back and forth
when my ear picks up on their frequency
the sinking of my stomach
gets the best of me
i refuse to get back on the internet.
i must not try to check on my phones.
i will not pull out those files.
i will stretch and be conscious of my bones.
i will dive into the consciousness of my breathing.
i will lean into the curve of my thigh.
i will breath into the stretches along my back
and become concious of myyyyyyyyy spine.
the television is keeping me company.
offering something above the neighbors shrill cree
and i am sinking into the stillness
and the exhuberant experience of being with
me
"...and, the terrifying calls for help when a bridge
collapses - in Minneapolis.
That's next on your evening's News.
Your News, First."
That's not news.
That happened like 2 weeks ago.
We've all heard the story, and lived the horror of the rubble.
Because you play it. Over and over, again.
And, it frightens us.
And it de-sensitizes us.
It sedates us.
we are all sedated.
by fast food and tv news
"ain't nothing goin
that my mind needs to ponder on.
life like thst is overrated." ---
i wanna be sedated.
it's time we see
that the vulgarity
and the fighing that goes on
between
neighbors.
is the world we've created
and the lives we've all waited
and, that global warming is something
from you and from me.
that iraqi war is really happening
and young men are really dying
the ocean is being polluted
and the ozone is burning- as we're tryin'
to buy the new magazine
or find that new Coach
to read about Lindsey
or to eat another double Sonic Burger on Texas Toast.
the lives that we are living
you know
the one that's happening now?
it's the world that we've created.
we are all sedated.
by fast food and tv news
and she says,
"ain't nothing goin
that my mind needs to ponder on.
life like thst is overrated." ---
i wanna be sedated.
i am happy.
i spend most of my time thinking, presently and in the moment, about how grateful i am.
for the sunny weather.
the ocean breeze.
relationships.
spirituality.
quiet.
sunshine.
understanding.
peace.
i feel good right now.
life is good.
and, that's quite a feat, really, for me. and, it's something to note.
you see, the entire time i've walked this planet,
and since i can remember.
i've worried.
i have had so much fear.
my entire life.
so, working through it. acknowledging it, and rising above it has been liberating.
being out here alone is very very scary. and tiring.
lonely.
overwhelming.
humbling.
quieting.
disquieting.
amazing.
i've worked through late night jitters, walking down the darkened venice streets
to swimming in the salty, sea water-and playing and tumbling myself in the surf. i'm experiencing so much, and so much of it is affecting me, and changing me-in a really, really good way.
i'm learning to love the girl that i am. and, to love my own skin.
i find myself quite charming, at times. and, am amused at my inner discourse between the fearful and the brave sides of me. being alone isn't easy.
but, i've heard it said that "courage is not the absence of fear. courage is being fearful, but doing it, anyway."
sometimes, just leaving the house can be hard. but then, once i'm out there-there's too much to take in to be lonely or scared. well, most of the time.
and, i'm reminded of a younger hillary. who ran all over london taking pictures of everything! "even the trashcans are pretty!" i remember writing that in my journal.
i need to re-kindle some of that curiosity. which has, precisely, been my focus of the summer. to be brave. to explore this new world.
to experience the now.
i've learned to appreciate the farmers market.
and to cook, organically. (i'm practicing so i can cook healthily for the rest of my life-and hopefully make it taste good, too.) it's easier to practice when you live alone-because you don't have to worry about feeding someone else if it tastes like crap-or looks like crap. but, i'm hoping to perfect a few dishes before i cook for elliott again. this was roasted vegetables from the local farmers market and a home-made pizza on wheat crust with tomatos, peppers, mushrooms, cheese, onions, & cilantro on mariniara. i was really seriously proud of it! and everything was freshly chopped, and picked by me!
i've gone to a reggae show with a stranger from the drum circle-the same day i met her
and learned that strangers and friends all come full circle, and can all be close friends in the end (i just met kai on this day-and kasey and i have been friends for years.)
i've spent a significant amount of time thinking about elliott, and what we'd be up to if i were at home
i think about the days i'm missing on the boat and then i remember elliott would probably tell me, "woman! you're in cali! go outside!" kinda like this:
and i spend a lot of time reading and writing
and dreaming up how i'm gonna finally decorate when i get home.
i'll try to keep you updated more often.
life is really beautiful right now, and i want to share more of it.
i hope you'll do the same!
with love from the california coastline,
hillary
it rained tonight when you left.
i thought it was fitting,
since it hasn't rained the entire 2 months i've been here...
that tonight would be the night.
driving home from the airport
i got lost in the loops and the turns
purposefully taking my time
leaving the place i knew you were.
knowing you were so near.
nearer than you'll be for weeks.
sepulveda took me to lincoln,
and the sweetheart within me decided
the venice canals at dusk might stop the burning sensation within my chest
might squelch the hot tears from burning down my cheeks.
as i drove over each arched bridge
overlooking the waterfront homes
and their paddle powered vehicles parked outside
i paused to count the boats of blues and yellows,
i wondered how much more complete this view would be,
with your hand in mind, and the curve of your smile illuminating the darkening canal ways.
i didn't allow myself to stop.
a romantic setting has no place for a girl like me-
who is supposed to be part of a pair...and has instead shown up empty handed-to it's environment of beauty and acceptance.
love and admiration.
in this moment, i am the one
who can only bring to romance's door
an aching heart, and a void-unfillable by anything other than you.
i bought myself a cookie
at our raw food cafe.
it's apple and cinnamon.
it's warm and inviting.
it's comforting me, and i devoured it.
as the comfort subsided, that hollow empty feeling resurfaced.
i decided to head home.
walking to my car, the first fat drop of rain
tapped me on the back of the wrist.
"remember me?" it prodded.
as it began heckling me with quick moving droplets
and a cold, windy chill
i don't recall the drive home
save for the seat heater, and the uncontrollable chill of being alone
once again
alone
and pining.
by the time i parked, and was staring the ocean in the face-
looking down the hill from the traffic blurred street before me
i could see the orange and pink skyline
fading into the thick grey rainclouds that had formed.
as the rain began to synchronize it's rhythm,
it beat down upon my head and shoulders,
and i succumbed to it's supremacy in the moment.
let the rain come.
let my tears come.
let it all flow.
let it all go.
release.
i know you'll be back.
i know there will be a day when we no longer have to say goodbye.
until then,
let it rain.
it matches my mood.
and it blends in with my tears.
no one takes the time to see my face, contorted as it loses the fight not to cry-
when the rain's curtains are shielding my face.
let it rain.
let it rain.
let it rain.
i welcome it.
and i turn my face upward to greet it's cleansing touch.
iloveyouandmissyoudesperately
i will strive, in this here and now-to let you feel my love surround you.
i will close my eyes, and let the rain soothe my mind, and i concentrate on sending love vibrations your way.
i hope you can feel me the way i feel you. i hope you can stand-arms open wide-looking up at the universe at large...and that you can feel my love showering down upon you. with it's freshness, and enthusiasm for life. especially life with you.
i love you
me
it's been awhile since i've written, but i can explain.
in the past, i've been too dark and twisty. my writings can take on a life of their own and begin to choke me. so, if i'm writing dark and twisty, i find myself as morose and convoluted as the subjects i expound upon.
instead, i've been focusing on the brighter side of life.the parts that reverberate and zing. they zip zap through your eyes right into your heart, spreading a vibration that's good.
that's warm.
that's pleasing.
good.
warm.
pleasing.
all nice things to aspire to.
i hope that some of the things i write bring warmth or pleasure to this world. this entry, however, will do no such thing. there is no amount of sugar that could coat the darkness i feel tonight.
i am sick, to the core, for my home. i do not want to be here...and if i thought for a moment that it would bring me closer to feeling at ease, i'd swim out from the pier, until i finally found sylvia, and we lived at the bottom of the ocean together. telling stories, and laughing about that oven incident.
she'd say, "this was how i was meant to be, all along. underwater: choked, yet weightless. we no longer have that bothersome burden of breathing"
and, i'd agree, nodding, and saying, "yes...yes..." because i agree with nearly everything syvia plath has to say. she is, after all, a celebrated writer.
and, i...i am a never was. and, from my never was stance, i can say to sylvia, in the most candid of conversations:"honestly, sylvia...was it that bad?" and, she'd reply simply, with a coy smile...and no words.
can someone please tell me what it is that i'm meant to do? slyvia, will you?
i'm ready to get started, and the truth of it is...i'm wandering and wondering.
wandering and wondering.
wandering...
"not all that wander, are lost". my eyes found those words emblazened on the backlit billboard beacon, in its prepackaged, and cost efficient "Life is Good" store located in my terminal at the airport. from its flourescent light pedastal, perched above us, it preaches to the lost masses, en masse, waiting for their glorified greyhound buses to go airborne.
can someone please take me airborne, and take me home.i don't want a round trip ticket.i want a one way.
i want....i want.
ridiculous, selfish, pathetic cries to a world that is endlessly giving to each of us.
i want.
that's just it. i don't want for anything. all of my needs are met. all of my hierarchies are clearly laid out, and i fall somewhere on maslow's pyramid between desolate despair and zen-like floatation. that grey area, in between bad and good. kinda like the grey area between my ears...between bad and good.
between mad and sensible.
somewhere, juxtaposed with triumph, located between apathy, and perpetual busy-ness.
i feel a lot like a little girl on that big roller coaster on the pier. i've watched and waited patiently in line, as the carriages would glide across my field of vision, invigorating and exhilirating its passengers. as the line shortened, and my own seat became available, my pulse quickened, and the knots in my stomach began to grow.
as the bar swung down, overhead, and clamped into place tightly across my lap, i began to feel as if it all were wrong. this was not the ride for me...and that realization came as the ride lurched forward into motion. so, as the once graceful carriages, now surge, rather than glide....i clinch my jaw tighter, and white knuckle that bar.
can't let them see me sweat.
at least, not until i vomit...or we finally break free from these tracks.
see, sylvia? you're always right.
the homeless man on the corner said i'm one of the "chosen ones". he said he can tell so, because of my smile.
standing up on the corner, he proclaimed, "beautiful smile on this one. beautiful smile. she's one of the chosen ones."
i feel chosen. i feel special.
i woke up this morning to a cool ocean breeze through my open windows, and the sounds of various birds singing their chorus. finding my journal on the bedside table, i began listing the things i'm thankful for,
"thank you, Lord-
for my wonderful family, friends, and boyfriend.
thank you for your Grace and for reminding me that it, alone, is enough.
thank you for your Peace, and that you left it for each of us.
thanks for giving me the strength and energy to make the most out of this opportunity.
thank you for the ocean breeze.
thakn you for the birds singing outside of my window.
thank you for late night phone calls, and early morning wake up calls.
i love you, Lord.
thank you for blessing me.
thank you for loving me.
in Jesus' name I pray-
amen."
because it was only 6:45am, i decided to go for a 15-minute run on the beach. i was amazed at the activity that abounded outside my walls. surfers suiting up, and running out to the ocean, to catch an early morning set. joggers and dog-walkers all smiled as i passed by. a few of the homeless were stirring, and starting their days, as well. i saw the man who proclaimed i was one of the chosen ones. wiping last nights sleep from his eyes, and tying his bootlace, he looked up with his dark, mysterious eyes. around the corner, a couple was riding a tandem bike, and a cat scampered across the alley.
many of the things i see, i wish i could share with elliott, or mom, or misty, or michelle, or.....
but, then i remember...i CAN share them. and, i will. over coffee, or a phone conversation, or on the back of jeff's boat, in a few months time.
so much to take in here. so much to see. much to be thankful for, and even more that i feel like i can learn, affect, and change. i want to add to the positivity in the world. i want to increase the good vibes, and i want to make the most of this experience.
if a simple smile can make me a "chosen one" then i want to smile more.
being outside of your element, increases your awareness. this much, i know. but, thinking back to humble, tx...and the world in which i've left for the time being, i know that i also saw similar things on my morning runs. also, i saw unique things, that only texas has to offer.
each place has its own glory, and its own merit. it's up to us to find the beauty in it.
i encourage each of us to find the bliss in our own surroundings. please share with me the eccentricities you notice today. the funny, sweet, sincere, or amusing parts of your days.
i believe, that by doing looking at our worlds with a child's eyes, we WILL be adding to the positivity, and to the appreciation we hold for our surroundings.
i believe starting the day, this way, is a beginning in that direction. we will be behaving and thinking as His chosen ones. with appreciation, amusement, and gratitude.
if you do the same...please come back and share your observations here...i'd love to read them.
humbly,
hillary
"Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetime's work, but it's worth the effort."
-Mister Rogers
I've been calling home more often, and visiting, too. Last year, I went an entire year before I went home for a visit, and by the time I did, my heart hurt. It had been entirely too long. But, it took a mistake like that, to illuminate the truth to me. I need my family. No man (or woman) should be an island. And, this is is not the only "truth" that has been revealed to me in the past year. I've been on a "self-concept mission". I declared it, privately, to myself in my journal in January. Now, I'm okay with sharing that this mission for self-conception will be an ongoing one...and it feels really good!
I have been questioning EVERYTHING. Analyzing my past decisions:
In the past, I've lost myself in work, money, obligation. I've buried myself in academic pursuits, literary goals, spiritualism. I've run away from intimate friendships, and clung to corporate ladders. I've sacrificed "self" for acceptance. I've chosen to accept hurt, and I've also chosen to grant forgiveness. I've made some beautiful pieces of art, and given them away. I've written some interesting stories, and shared them. My life is a collection of decisions that have been clear and sometimes convoluted; savvy and sometimes simple-minded. But, what I have embraced is this truth:
In my entirety, I like me.
In fact, I am learning to LOVE me. I say I'm "learning", because I know it will be a process. I'm still not as kind to myself as I should be. I still look for flaws, and capitalize on them in the mirror. I still doubt, and question, and negate my own positive forward motion, at times. But, I'm learning...and I'm growing, and like I said, I like me. I'm falling in LOVE with me.
I am a girl who sometimes finds it hard to listen, because I'm so busy trying to think of a solution to your situation. I always want to help.
I am a person who will laugh as loud as the situation demands, even if I'm told it's too loud for the situation I'm in. (Examples include, "G'yall, Miss Hillary...you sure do laugh LOUD." Mason, Age 12, at the movies in December.)
I feel and express love with my entire being. Those who have experienced this love can explain it better than I can, I bet.
I'm quirky, and soft-hearted. My feelings can easily be hurt, and I'm learning, again, how to protect them. Sometimes it feels like my emotions are in technicolor, and the rest of the world is in monochrome. I feel misunderstood, raw, incomprehensible. I'm beginning to understand that there are more people out there, just like me...and we sort of find kindred spirits in one another. I believe if you are reading this, you're probably in technicolor, too.
In the past I was brash, and loud, and self-righteous. I thought hateful thoughts, and I said hurtful things. I'd engage in competition, and try and "one up" ex-girlfriends, varsity adversaries, even girls on the dance floor. More recently, I've become humble, meek, and rather self-conscious. I believe there is a nice place of balance between the two and I intend to find it.
I don't envy, anymore. I used to...and I'd say I didn't. Now, when I find envious thoughts creeping into my mind, I convert them into positivity, by complementing the person, either out loud or in my mind. (Something like, "Nice work, lil' Mama...your body is BANGIN'"...when I see a girl with an outrageous bikini body, etc.) Then, I'll see it as proof-positive, that those sorts of things can be achieved and manifested in my own life. (Like, "See, Hill? You can have that sort of body, too....you just have to invest the time and energy to do so.")
Yesterday, I was flipping through the channels on the TV, just looking for something I could "ignore" in the background. You know, like a constant hum, that accompanies you as you work through your day? Well, I ran across one of those Christian Stations, and Naomi Judd was being interviewed. What she said was essentially this, "The number one cause of mental illness is not knowing who you are and you can't know who you are if you don't spend time honoring yourself, and living in the present." She said the way we should honor ourselves, is by devoting time to being "silent" and "in the Word". I have to agree. This is EXACTLY why I've been able to come to the epiphanies about myself that I have this year.
Every morning, I've made a point to get up 2 hours early so that I can spend the first 30 minutes (to an hour) of my day reading a devotional or other uplifting material. Then, if I am moved to, I journal about my thoughts on the matter. Once that is finished, and while these positive and uplifting things are fresh on my mind, I pop in a DVD (lately, it's been Winsor Pilates) and I devote 30 minutes (to an hour) to my physical being. While I'm "going through the motions" I make sure to smile, or remind myself that what I am doing is healthy, positive, and good for me. The most gratifying part, beyond the self-concepts that are being revealed, are the health effects that are becoming evident.
I have more energy.
I smile and laugh more often, even in times of mental stress.
My body is literally changing its shape. Not in a dramatic way, but in a subtle, personal way. What once was hidden is now being revealed. Lines and muscles are making themselves seen.
I look in the mirror and smile at what I am seeing develop.
The other day, I actually looked myself in the eyes, in the mirror, and said, "You are doing such a good job. I am so proud of you." I made a point to stand there for a few minutes and just look at myself, right in the eyes. If you have never done this, it's fairly uncomfortable. I've only honestly done that a handful of times in my life...but, this is the first time I can recall looking into my own eyes and saying something positive and gratifying and true. I highly recommend it.
We have to spend time honoring ourselves. Getting to know ourselves. Loving ourselves, and perpetuating that love to one another.
I like what Sark says about the matter,
"Treat yourself as kindly as you do your Best Friend.
Drench your self in self-kindness!
Women are very good at shining kindness outward, yet if you ask how kind they are to themselves, they often cry.
Turn the kindness spotlight inward.
Before we can move to healthier ways, we must be where we actually are.
Radical self-acceptance is a connecting, soft, slow and compassionate way of being. We can help each other.
When you see your "sister" beating up on herself, take her weapons away and just hold her."
I did this just the other day. My friend was making some sort of comment about how "disgusting" and "fat" she was, and I just flat out said to her, "Don't talk about my friend like that." We both laughed about it, but also saw the truth. I wouldn't accept someone else saying something like that about her...so, why should I accept it when she says it about herself?
Learning to luxuriate in where we are RIGHT NOW as we are RIGHT NOW, is a really lovely thing. Allowing ourselves to be quirky, emotional, excitable, loud, timid, shy, or even silly, is simply practicing the same sort of acceptance and grace that you grant to others.
Yesterday, someone told me I was being too energetic. It hurt me, deeply. In the past, I would have internalized this, and saw it as "another flaw" that I needed to correct. And, in all honesty, the instant that this person said this to me, I became very quiet and withdrawn. The difference, this time, was that the place inside to which I withdrew, is now a much kinder place.
So, instead of beating myself up for being too full of energy, and for vibrating at a different frequency, I kindly allowed myself to smile, and laugh and say to myself, "I like the energy with which I'm living. I like the vibrations I'm putting out. I'm proud of myself. I don't see any reason to change."
Because I like me.
And, I am fighting to preserve the sweetness and the purity within. I'm not going to submit to self-destructive thoughts.
I like me, and I'm not afraid to sit quietly with myself and "have a talk".
My quiet time is sacred, my personal exercise time is a set appointment. They are a set and solid part of my day. Nothing encroaches upon them. They are too valuable a part of my life, now, to lose. This "self-concept" mission has only just begun...and I seriously look forward to it every day, and "miss it" when I miss it!
What sorts of things are you doing for yourself? What sorts of things are you doing for someone else? Take a moment and list all the things you do during the week, and write next to each one if that activity is for you, or someone else. Working is for someone else. Balancing the checkbook is for someone else. Driving in the car-pool is for someone else.
Count up how much time you spend doing for other people. Helping other people. Listening to other people. Then, count out how much you really do for yourself. It doesn't take much to fill our cups back up. Just an hour or so. But, we really should do it.
As Naomi Judd says, "I've had women tell me that when their daughters see them taking care of themselves, and being defined from within, and thinking for themselves instead of thinking about that silly culture out there, it's powerful modeling."
Let's make a promise to take care of ourselves. Let's set out on a mission to know ourselves. Let's begin to embrace our own uniqueness. Let's help one another do that.
Let's begin a Self-Conception Revolution.