I've been a little frazzled the past week or so - I hope I don't ever have to go so long between posting here, again. I know that having a successful blog requires regular posts about topics that go along a similar thread - so I'm hoping that I'll get that "thread" figured out sooner, rather than later. For now, what I seek to do with this web-site is to encourage. If that doesn't come across in some of the ramblings, I hope you'll remind me. But, sometimes encouragement comes from knowing that someone shares in a similar struggle as yourself. So, my writings may not all be sunshine and roses - but, I do hope that they remind you that you are not alone. And, beneath all of the different experiences we have - love can usually be found at the heart of it all. Love & Encouragement - that's what you'll find here. Oh, and some random acts of Hillary-ness. Like "Recess" - My experiment with recess for the past week or so has been a raging success! In fact, I've taken a few photos, and really plan to devote an entire post to sharing with you about my recesses, this past week - so more to come on that - but, seiously...ya'll better schedule some recess time on your calendar, right now - TODAY. I'm serious. It's that important. You'll also find me writing, from time to time, about my soul-searching that I tend to do. I like to read the bible - and I like to search my soul - always seeking to re-connect / commune with God. I like to feel like what I'm doing is in alignment with Him. Reading the bible, first thing in the morning - with a hot cup of tea or coffee - and the sunshine coming through the windows in my living room - that is the ideal way to begin every day. Usually, I'll just crack open my bible and read a bit - then write what I'm thinking / praying about in my journal. Sometimes, I'll have a book that I'll read along with my bible as a reference. Like, for Christmas, my Momma got me the Joyce Meyer's "100 Ways to Simplify Your Life" and I'll read a Chapter each morning - then look up the cooresponding verses in my bible - and spend a little time reading & thinking on them. This sort of resets my brain, calms my mind, and helps me to go into the day reminded of who I truly am - and who I truly belong to. It refreshes my faith - and drives away my fears. It's an excellent way to begin the day - in God's Word. Anyway, Stephanie encouraged me to check out this weekly bible study she's doing at Pine Forest Baptist Church on the book of Esther. It's a Beth Moore study series called "Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman" - and I went last week with four of my favorite women on this planet : Stephanie, Lauren, Ashley, and Elliott's Mom, Linda. We had such a great time - and I've really been enjoying reading and studying this book, so far. I wanted to share the trailer for the series with you, below. Hope you enjoy it. I'll post some recess stuff, next. :) And, I'll try to get more regular on the postings, too, guys. Thanks for reading, Hill

To all my Oklahoma Friends -
If you live anywhere near campus - you should go to the Post Secret Event there on Wednesday. I SO wish I could go...I've been crusing the site for a year or so - every Sunday - and they never have an event near me!

PostSecret Events in December
University Oklahoma, OK
(Open to the Public)
12-3-08
www.postsecret.blogspot.com


If you haven't already heard of Post Secret, it is a fascinating social experiment that this guy name Frank started a few years ago. Essentially, he encourages people to send in their secrets on the back of a postcard, anonymously. He then publishes them on the web, every Sunday. Some of them make it into books, which he publishes every once in a while. I haven't bought myself a book, yet...but, I will someday!

Below, I'll post a few to show you what I mean. Warning: This stuff is addictive, and cathartic, sometimes disturbing, but almost always revealing.

Love you all,
Hill

i had my first foray into the american justice system - behind-the scenes.

i mean, i've had a couple (plenty) of tearful traffic court appearances - but, today was my first time ever serving jury duty. i'm convinced that i was served with a summons SOLELY because i recently voted for Hillary Clinton in the primaries, and i made a big deal about it - and, so-i pay my civic penance.

i had no idea what to expect - but, i did know that i was supposed to dread this, entirely. that it was supposed to be one of the most eye-roll inducing recollections of my life, at some point- and so, dutifully, i postponed my first jury summons date-and put it off for a month - so i could really dread it, and build up lots of resentment.

it worked. at least the dread part. by last night, when i was cutting my weekend short-so i could go home and get to bed at a decent hour, i did kinda resent the fact that they served me with an 8am start time. and, i suppose at about 6:15 this morning, when i was shuffling to the bathroom to brush my teeth and splash a little water on my face-i was feeling just a tid bit bitchy about my civic duty.

today was the first day of school for lots of texans - and, i suppose i shared in their jitters last night, because i didn't sleep hardly AT ALL. my stomach was all knotted up, i was tossing and turning. i seriously get freaked out about being faced with new situations that i know nothing about...and when those new situations involve policemen in uniforms, and scary looking judges up on elevated platforms, and long waits in a room where i have to be quiet and listen, intellectually....well, it kinda sounds like my idea of hell.

by the time i was parked, seated, given a 18 digit number, shuffled through the system, taken to the basement, taken back up to the street, walked down three city blocks (police escort and all-felt like a field trip, to me) to the criminal courts building, marched into a cargo elevator, and whisked away to the 17th floor-i think it finally set in that i might actually get selected to sit on a jury of a criminal trial.

i clowned around with the guys in line with me. we laughed a lot - and were able to get the bailiff for the next door courtroom to fill us in on what was happening in his courtroom. seems that a local dentist was thought to have posted up some hidden cameras in his dental clinic bathrooms. recording footage of patients - you know...takin' care of business. luckily, the grey haired, bearded man in line next to me was a total clown-because we went back and forth for about 20 minutes with one-liners on that, alone.

by the time we were seated, inside - and assigned NEW 2-digit numbers that we were to answer to-it was getting close to noon - and that wooden bench was starting to suck.

"juror 58."- that's me, now - i'd been called by the sandy haired, young, plump DA. "would you have objections to seeing an 8-year-old called to testify against their mother in a court of law."

"absolutely." i replied.

elements of the trial began to be revealed - and, i became increasing uncomfortable with the entire situation. we were being asked, over and over again, if we could be "objective" and "fair" in certain situations. some of the situations, despite my willingness to try, i found-i could not be neutral on. sitting on a potential juror panel is not one of the situations i would have considered to be a soul-searching experience...but, can i just tell you-i was looking at myself long and hard today, and what i found didn't entirely impress me. but, it didn't entirely disgust me, either. (which, if you know me...you know is a step in the right direction.)

it became apparant, about an hour into potential juror questioning, that this case was involving criminal responsibility for the conduct of others - or, in this case, a mother was being accused of forcing her child(ren) to break the law for her personal gain.

throughout the questioning, the defendant's attorney kept calling on me. perhaps because i was so candid with my thoughts, needless to say, everytime they called me "58" - the ting tings "that's not my name" rang through my head.

i kept imagining what it would be like to turn that courtroom into my very own music video...


luckily-i was "released" at around 2:30 or 3pm - and was able to jam out allllll the way home.

i think it might have been the comment when i used the word "enraged". or then again, maybe it was because they could tell i'd been daydreaming of smoke machines and hot pink electric stratocasters...

either way, it's good to be an american. and it's even better NOT to be a juror, tonight. :)

i'm back in oklahoma, visiting family and seeing old friends.  and, while i am so glad that i am here, now - getting on the plane to come here was one of the more difficult things that i've done in a while.

i've been very resistant to come back to ok, because everything seems to remind me of something in my life that has been broken or someone who we've lost.  a surreal example of this is the car i'm driving while i'm here.  it was my grandmother's.  it still smells like her - and walking up on it, parked at the airport last night - my silly little heart decided to flutter the way it would if she were the one who was waiting inside to drive me home.  of course she wasn't.  and, of course, those hot tears were choked back, yet again.

last night i sat up with my longest running best friend forever, my sister, heather-and we just talked like we always do.  but, i guess i sometimes forget how good she is for me.  she's truly an angel, and it's so nice to see her pretty liitle face. 

she and i were talking about how much i've changed in the past few years.  the way she puts it, i'm now "just a shell" of the hillary she grew up knowing and loving.  apparantly, i no longer display that joie de vive that used to bubble up from the inside.  instead, she said it's like my skeleton is here - but, my emotions - my soul are absent.

truth is, i feel like a shell.  i feel pretty empty. 

actually, it's not that i feel totally "empty" - it's more like i'm jammed full of a mess of thoughts and memories that are all hollow now.  so there's this "junk" thats cluttering up my mind and my heart-and it's all empty-if that makes sense.  it's all just the remains of what i've held dear.

and, i do feel pretty far removed from my past persona.  laughing doesn't come as easy as it used to.  (except around a few people who seem to bring that out in me, like heather, thank goodness.) 

heather played this song for me by Sanctus Real called "Whatever You're Doing".  she cried as we listened to it, and i just lay my head on her shoulder and rubbed her back while we let the music wash over us.  my heart aches still, but the tears are drying up, now.  instead, i find myself often getting angry in the same situations that used to make my cry.  it's a strange journey through grief, but hearing something like that song - can help me find the part of my heart that is still tender, because that part starts to swell when it's touched.  i put the song on my profile - listen to it if you can.  it's beautiful.

so, i've decided that perhaps the prescription i need to follow is this:  to surround myself with people who make me smile.  i can't be a hermit forever...

i plan to see a few old friends while i'm here.  and i plan to soak up the exerience of being in their presence.  i know so many fantastic people in oklahoma.  so many who inspire me, just because of who they are-or how they think. 

i need to immerse myself in other people right now.  i need new experiences.  new memories.  something rich, something juicy - something to light me back up and to fill this hole in my chest.

it's good to be home.  it's good to be reminded who you are - and that there are actually people out there that care about you, personally - just because you are you.

over the next week, i hope i'm reminded.  i hope i'm re-fueled. 

i'm determined to be a listener this week, and not so much of a "talker".  i don't have much to say, anyway.  i'd rather just fully immerse myself in new thoughts and ideas - those of my familly and friends.

if you're in OK, i'm here until next thursday -  wanna go get coffee or something?  you know how to reach me...

hopeful and thankfully yours,

hillary

notoriously funny man george carlin checked out, yesterday. he was the first comedian i ever went to see, in person. that night, part of his routine was about being an athiest. i remember almost immediately feeling guilty for finding his brand of humor funny.

the truth was, though: a lot of what he said was so brutally truthful, it would make you laugh until your abs hurt.

personally, i hope he found his spiritual side in last years of his life. it helps me to sleep better to think that he did.

below, i've found an excerpt of one of his more tame stand up routines, about "stuff". seriously, with as much as i travel lately-this is my mindset, so often, in a nutshell: "what STUFF do i bring"

"Since every death diminishes us a little, we grieve - not so much for the death as for ourselves" - Lynn Caine

Every death does diminish us a little - taking away a portion of our heart, only to replace it with an aching void. It is this newly created space that seems to devour any happiness or joy I might encounter. Because as soon as I figure out that I'm partially enjoying myself, I am reminded that perhaps this moment could have been that much sweeter - if only "they" could be here with us.

Yesterday, at 3:55pm, my Grandma Ludie took her last and final breath.

And, I understand that to grieve is the most indulgent of self indulgent acts. It is the darkest pit of self-absorbed, self-pity. 

But, please-just indulge me. Let me be the first to admit: I am consumed with this loss.

I am so completely exhausted down in this pit of despair, that I can only offer you space to curl up next to me in this darkness. My arms hang limply at my sides, and the half-hearted smile I might have been able to muster earlier in the week, has crawled down my face-creating a frown...a grimace. The beat of my heart will assure you that, yes-I will continue to breathe. Though, my heart feels as if it is stuttering and stammering to keep pumping. 

Lately, it seems that every time I come home to visit, it is to bury someone I love. 

Last night, I cried out until I was sick. Even then, crouched on the ground and emptying my insides - I could not get rid of the sickening loneliness. The realization that death has severed another relationship. Instead, I just clawed at the ground - and shouted out to God.

"God, I know you hear me.

I know you can hear me....

Lord, you can hear me....

You hear me, right?"

*Stiffening Silence*

I know He never forsakes us, but is it possible that he turns his head, at times, just to allow us to learn something on our own? Because, I've never felt so alone or so misunderstood - as I have recently.

I can say I need help. I can say I'm afraid of where my mind is headed - and how it seems to be off the tracks and running - pulling me with it - but for some reason, people seem to shrug it off....

please, please don't shrug me off. 

When I was a little girl, and I'd become overwhelmed with whatever may have been on my mind - I'd go sit on the porch and sing. Usually, my dog Pokie would come and lay his head in my lap - and lick the tears from my face. He seemed to just KNOW that I needed him.

Even Pokie is gone, now.

I've been riding my Mom's bike every day since I've been here. I keep thinking that if I'll just keep moving, I can trick my body into feeling more alive. I still swing by Reed's house - even though I know he won't be there. Just seeing his "Probe Testarosa" in the driveway makes me smile. I love remembering him, always dressed to the nines, pulling into the driveway to whisk Heather away somewhere for the evening. I keep lifting my eyes, waiting for my own version of Reed to pull into the driveway. But, that hope dwindles day-by-day.

Sometimes, I get so exhausted from emotion-that I'll just go to sleep in the middle of the day. Last Saturday was one of those days, and I lay on the couch in my living room, and drifted to sleep. In my dream, Reed came through the back door of my house with a basketball under his arm. He sat down next to me on the ottoman near the couch, as I was still sleeping (in my dream). He pushed the hair away from my face, and he leaned over me and said, "Don't lose your hope, Hillary. Don't you lose your hope." 

"You are going to have everything you need."

Then, he pulled a moving photo out of his pocket, and he said, "I want to show you something." This photo had a small cottage / cabin in the woods, with a spring river running through the back side of the land. He said, "This is going to be your house." 

Then, he said, "You want to know something else? You're going to have your own little boy. You're going to name him 'Robin'-because he'll sing like a bird."

To that, I began to cry. Then, he got up, spinning the basketball on the end of his finger the way he used to do-and he looked over his shoulder outside at the basketball goal. 

On his way out the door, he stopped and he said, "Hillary, your spirit is not broken - it's just the grief you are dealing with." And, he walked on out the door.

When I woke up, the ottoman was still sitting beside me in the same way it was when Reed had sat on it. The sun was shining through the blinds at exactly the same angle, and I felt this warmth-this true belief that it was he who HAD come to visit me. 

How could he have known that I am losing my hope? How could he have known how much I long for a family of my own? How much I desire to belong to a man, and to have that man love me for me? For all the quirks, and strangeness that is bundled up into this mess that I call "me"? 

I think that sometimes God will send us angels so we won't completely lose our hope.

Last night, Heather found me outside crying - I haven't cried in front of any of the family. And, she just sat with me. She just sat and sat so I wouldn't be alone. When she finally broke the silence to ask me what was wrong, I confided in her that I am beginning to lose hope. That all those dreams that I've held in my heart of hearts since I was a little girl, playing with my Barbie and Ken - they are slowly slipping away. That I'm starting to believe that love isn't part of my plan. That perhaps God won't allow me to have a love relationship because it distracts me too much from Him.

And, you know what she said, "Reed used to tell me not to lose my hope, Hillary. He told me to claim this verse: Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you. To give you life and a HOPE.'"

I can't tell you how many times, recently, I've cried out to God to take me, now. To end the heartache and disappointment that I have with myself. In fact, recently, my prayer has changed to one of simply asking God for forgiveness for all the ways I've wrecked my chance at life...and, to just basically ask Him if he'd just ERASE me-as though I never existed. 

I'm searching: 
For the place I belong.
For the sun.
For a reason to keep believing.

In that frame of mind, this speaks the most to me:
"It is neccessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live."
Alexandre Dumas Père

Go hug your mom. Call your grandma. Ask that old friend for forgiveness. If you Love someone... please tell them. They may need to hear that so desperately.
Release it all, because it is all so small in the grand scheme of things.

Until I can write something positive, I don't think I'll be writing again-
Until then, 
Hillary

my heart feels worn out and swollen, just like my eyes. it's that exhaustion you experience when you've cried for so long, you seem to have run out of emotion.

it's beautiful this morning. the sun is beaming through every slant-like opportunity to splash light onto the living room floor. i got a new rug last weekend. i'm so stoked about it, that it actually makes my heart speed up when i look at it. instead of a "boom-boom. boom-boom." it sorta intensifies into a "boom-bobba-boom-bobba-boom"...yeah, this rug totally excites me.
it's just that it's so...so...blue. 

and so BADASS! 

i have always enjoyed feathering my nest. i really like to explore the things that bring me joy. and, i like to remind myself of people and places and times in my life that represent experiencing true joy, or love, or excitement. and to try and lay things out in ways that surprise and delight my eyes. for instance, i like the imagery of a stack of books. there's an opportunity and an escape that lies within those pages. you can bet that there are books available within arms reach, in most every comfy seat in my house.

and, birds. there are little birds unexpectedly perched on the lamp next to you, or that stack of books over there. all different sorts of birds, but i especially like the really fat chested ones. they always make me laugh.

recently, a dove has taken to cooing its soft songs when i wake up in the morning, and when i go to sleep at night. i am so thankful for that sweet bird. i'll sit on the back porch and read, or lounge in the hammock and just listen. 

it is the quiet times, like this sunday morning, when i am more able to be truly present in the moment - and not projecting my mind into that meeting next week, or the flight i still need to book. 

my daily inner dialogue, and my personal time clock have been on nothing but business, deadlines, expectations, expenses, miscommunications, validation, and problems being reincarnated. it has been such a nasty brew of upsetting toxicity inside of my chest. at this point, it has begun to become difficult to breathe.

some things are imploding, some things are exploding, and some things are expiring. nothing, at this time, remains safe for me. my family, my career, my home, my relationships, my finances...all seem to be a part of this massive upheaval.

all of these things seem to be occurring somewhere outside of myself. as though i am at the center of this swirling storm, and the chaos and confusion are colliding about in a slow motion orchestrated opera outside of who i am. it is fascinating, and i stand in awe wondering where i will be left when my life finally rests in it's new shifted shape.

it is in this space that i observe this:
our homes are no more established than a swallow's nest. our imagined safety, and our barricades of items that somehow combine to define who we are and what we're about - they mean nothing in the eternal scheme of things. the stacks of books, the picture frames and kaleidoscopes, the pillows and the blankets...they are, in the simplest of terms, emotional clutter.

and, no amount of officially hung and/or framed photo can guarantee that the relationship it is glorifying will last. no, in my experience, the frames LONG outlast the relationships that they so lovingly capture.

i've got a lot of photos that i've kept in the frames. i mean...the picture frame itself sometime even becomes associated with somethign that you've lost...doesn't it? so, it's best to not be reminded of anything from the past right now. no, not anything at all.

well...i suppose i'm going to have to grab a hold of something slightly solid, that will make me want to wake up every morning and take on another day. so, for now i think that it'll be that lil' turquoise blue rug from Pier 1.

oh, and that dove in the back yard. we can't forget that dove.

Take a moment to listen to this story (it's only about a minute long) from NPR.

And, tell me if that didn't choke you up.

I've included the entire clip in the video below.

PS. I like you just the way you are.

PPS. Thanks, Mister Rogers.

i've been in a dark place lately. lots of changes are swirling about, and when this happens - i tend to pull myself inward to the core of who i am. 

and, really, at my core - i am dark. 

(this is not a bad thing, by the way. i quite prefer it, actually. in darkness there is complexity and mystery.)

it's difficult to explain myself when i'm so confused by all that i am and all that i've experienced. i can say this much: 

i'm finding that "hillary" is a pretty consistent individual, regardless of the circumstances surrounding her.

below all of the surface insecurities, the work-related stressors, and the external societial pressures is an original version of myself that remains unchanged.

wrapping words around all that in encompassed in my original soul is difficult for me to do, as well.

since i was a child i've likened myself to a "bleeding, beating heart". i just FEEL so much for so many different people. i truly get upset when i hear the daily news with murders, wars, and fraud so readily communicated. i can't stand to watch violence on TV or in the movies - it literally HURTS for me to watch it. i can FEEL their pain physically.

a few of my friends have told me that i am an "empathetic" - which i think is a fancy word for having an ability to "feel what other people are feeling". i believe it is true. 

i lose sleep over the war.
i pray for people i don't even know.
my stomach knots up when people tell me about accidents they've survived.

and lately, i've really been just sick of being alive. i know that sounds incredibly selfish, childish, and a number of other words - but that's the best way i can describe my feelings.

so, rather than bury these inclinations - lately, i've indulged them. and, what i've found is that even the prophets in the bible often felt the same. this "thorn" of having to live in such a cruel world can only be removed by asking God to do so.

so, i have. i've asked for a purpose. a reason to feel like i SHOULD be here. i haven't had any clear cut answers- but, i can say that i'm at least feeling "interested in trying" again.

i believe that there is a certain amount of "home-sick" in everyone's soul. and, if you've ever experienced the loss of a loved one, i bet you can relate. you just feel so home-sick for them that you want to be where they are.

some of the most influential people in my life are no longer living. and, i miss them SO MUCH that i cannot even begin to describe it. i've been home-sick for the place i originated from. i've been so tired of trying to "make something" out of my life.

so, here i am-and what am i supposed to do about it? i suppose just keep listening. keep praying. keep enjoying the people (and animals) that i get to encounter each day. just keep believing. just keep feeling-because it reminds me that i am, in fact, alive -

and being alive, alone, is a gift.

and being alive, alone, is enough.

An direct excerpt from "The Inward Journey" a book by Howard Thurman. 
(Essay 22, Page 39-40.)

The Self-Encounter
When have you last had a good session with yourself? Or have you ever had it out with you?

Most often you are brought face to face with yourself only when such an encounter is forced upon you. Usually it is in connection with a crisis situation. There is a death in the immediate circle of close family or friends with the result that definite changes must be made in your way of thinking or living. You must accustom yourself to living without the active relationship of the departed one. Or it may be that there is the quickening discovery that your parents are old and can no longer relate to you at the point of your needs but you must relate to them at the point of their need.

There may be other causes for self-confrontation. A chance remark from a friend may bring you quickly to face the fact that you are a pretender in your relations with others, and that you have never faced up to your own lack of integrity in word and in act. In a time of temper you may say things of which you are deeply ashamed, not so much because you said them - that is bad enough - but because you were capable of thinking them. You may discover that in trying to make a decision involving a course of action, you are utterly incompetent to do so because you have never claimed your mind as your own. All through the years you have drifted from one position to another, letting your meaning be determined by your response to others or their demands - not determined by how you felt, really, nor what you personally thought. Now you look for some clue outside yourself and there is none to be found. YOU must decide and abide.

Whatever may be the occasion there comes a deep necessity which leads you finally into the closet with yourself. It is here that you raise the real questions about yourself. The leading one is, What is it, after all, that I amount to, ultimately? Such a question cuts through all that is superficial and trivial in life to the very nerve center of yourself. And this is a religious question because it deals with the total meaning of life at its heart. At such a moment, and at such a time, you must discover for yourself what is the TRUE basis of your self-respect. This is found only in relation to God whose Presence makes itself known in the most lucid moments of self-awareness. For all of us are His children and the most crucial clue to a knowledge of Him is to be found in the most honest and most total knowledge of the self.

Well, heya, 2008-

You kinda crept up on me, there. I didn't see ya comin'. But, I'm glad you're here.

In the cold recesses of winter, I was starting to get lost...so, it's nice to have a swift kick in the pants and a reminder that life is perpetually moving forward. And, you...2008 seem to be spectacular. I am so excited to delve right into the opportunity and promise that already has been presented in your name.

Yes, I believe 2008 is a banner year. Something to be looked back upon and smiled about. Like 2007, 1998, 2005, 2002, or even 1985. 

Each year I seem to have a few accomplishments or happenings that help me to define them and remember each of them as separate and complete segments of time. What did 2007 impress upon me?

-I am an eccentric and I really am amused by this fact.

-Days full of sunshine are meant to be spent outdoors.

-I might actually be a "dog" person, too. (We all know I'm a future cat-lady in the making. Such aspirations, I have.)

-Friendship transcends miles, telephone lines, and cable modems. It presents itself in text messages, hugs, random letters in the mail, and pints of beer (combined with laughter).

-I'm going to be alright.

-I'm really quite good at loving.

-I still can nail that 3-point shot I was notorious for in 9th grade.

-I can surf! (No...I don't think you understand...I can SURF!) :) yiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

-Work can actually be something that inspires you, while it pays the bills. Novel!

-I'm still a flake, but I'm learning to own up to it. I'm also learning to surround myself with friends that accept me for me...flakiness and all.

-I have some things in common with Howard Hughes. (Yes, even some of the weird stuff.)

-I have hopes to open my own blog page in the next year, and 2007 was the year that Elliott purchased www.hillarybanks.com for me...and told me to do it! :) (I think another "yiiiiiiiiii" is in order.) 

-Drama can be managed quite easily. Simply "cut. it. out". 

-Home truly is where your heart is. (P.S. Your heart tends to be where cool people that you love live.)

-I've got a lot of amazing friends in my life.

-I am a very grateful girl.

2008: I can't wait to see you shine! Let's do this deal. :)

Love,
Hillary

katie told me that spinning around in circles made her feel alive.

all i felt was dizzy.

i looked up at the coral hues of orange... persimmon... as i spiralled around the field that day.  still, the dizzying blur of color and the autumn air in my lungs were intoxicating.

"you should probably stop, now."

i had been warned.

maybe that's why all i felt was dizzy when i finally did stop.

i'd taken it to extremes, again. 

seems to be a re-occurring theme in my life:

Take it to the Limit.

i've been dangling over the edge, before....pondering if the trip down would even be that bad in the first place.

i ended up being lifted to safety, without giving consent.  thank you to each of you who decided i was worth going over that ledge for.  and, thank you for bringing me back.

now, taking it to the limit, has a different meaning.  no longer do i flirt with disaster, the way i used to.  at least, not purposely.  but, now...it seems the dizzying pace of my life is such that even if i did stop...all i would feel is dizzy and disillusioned.

turning in circles isn't for me.

i'm more of a zig-zag girl, myself, anyway.

;)  until next time,

you zig-and i'll zag-and katie....well, katie's gonna spin.

much much love-

hillllllllllary

i think.  a lot. 

i dream big.  

i record things in my mind like a movie.  i see color.  close-ups.  thematics.  panoramas.

swimming in the rain is one of my new favorite pasttimes.  to see the drops hit the water and bounce up...it's beautiful.

i get scared of heights.  i kinda like being scared sometimes.

i'm learning that being physically thrown around on a wakeboard is pretty fun, too.  it sorta knocks you back to your senses.  falling usually doesn't hurt as much as you think it will.

if you are talking to me, i am more than likely looking at your mouth or your eyes.  

gossip hurts my heart.

i love it when elliott kisses me on the forehead, and he puts his strong hand along the nape of my neck.  

i love it when i can rest my head on his chest.

my friend michelle is one of the biggest blessings in my life.

my mom and my sisters are more important to me than i can fully explain.

my friend misty deserves a shout-out, too....she inspires me, she challenges me, and most of all...she makes me smile.

i want to knock the whole "true love" thing out of the ballpark.  i strive to do so, everyday.

i can sense a sort of peace that is washing over my life.  it's making me less brash and more humble.  i welcome it with open arms.

travelling.  experiencing things for the first time fuels my soul.

i've been called dark and twisty.  i think they're right.

inspire me.  i'll do my best to return the favor.

Back in September, I shared a list of 100 things I've always wanted to do. I'm happy to have found, that I have already experienced eleven of the one-hundred since then!

5. Have a solid spirituality.
18. Be content with my body (healthy & strong).
29. Get into Yoga.
35. Go on a US Road Trip (document it).
38. Have a toned stomach I'm proud of.
48. Tithe regularly.
50. Go Snowboarding.
51. Have a hammock.
74. Study the bible regularly. *(And various other spiritual and philosophical texts.)
84. Learn to surf.
97. Drive a speedboat (or ride in one, at least).
one hundred ways to live a life uncommon

My friend, Chasta, asked me to repost this about three months ago, and I'm just getting around to it. But, it's fun to revisit, and set my eyes on what's next. And, perhaps, what needs to be replaced.

Just for good measure, i've reposted the original, below:

100 ways to live a live uncommon

my good friend, de, asked me to write out a list of 100 things i've always wanted to do in my lifetime. i loved the fact that he challenged me to take the time to put them down on paper. 

so, last night, i did. i sat down, markers and sketchbook in hand, and i day dreamed. it's funny how easy you'll smile when you're dreaming up things you want to do! 

some of the things i've already done, but i want to do, again. many are things that are years, even decades into the future before i'll accomplish them. but, God willing, i'll be able to check these off my list one-by-one.

i thought long and hard about not sharing this list..."it's too private," i thought. 

but, the truth be told...i'll be so happy to have accomplished each of these, i'm certain i'd share them with you anyway. and, while dreams are private, they can be inspirational when shared.

i challenge each of you to take the same steps...set aside some time and some paper to curl up with your own thoughts and your own dreams.

and, together, let's slowly begin to make them reality.

and, my list begins:

1. Finish my book.

2. Join the Peace Corp (or something equivalent).

3. Learn to play the guitar.

4. Lay under the stars and hold hands with the man I'm in love with.

5. Have a solid spirituality.

6. Finish my degree.

7. Repay my mom (financially take care of her, if possible, pay all of her bills off for her.)

8. Go rock climbing/hiking (in an exotic place).

9. Own my own home.

10. Have my very own studio.

11. Backpack Europe with my best friend/the man I love.

12. Own a dog that I take care of (and train) properly.

13. Learn to play the piano.

14. Have a pen pal.

15. Make a beautiful pastiche/scrapbook (complete from cover to cover)

16. Win a Super Mario Game (Save the Princess!)

17. Write a song (or two...)

18. Be content with my body (healthy and strong)

19. Volunteer (Any cause would be good)

20. Try to get published

21. Take a painting course/class

22. Help with a political cause

23. See Greece

24. Take a Hip-Hop Dance Class

25. Bake my own Thanksgiving Dinner

26. Join a Church

27. Learn/Consistently execute heel & toe side 2 wakes.

28. Volunteer at Church.

29. Get into Yoga.

30. Read my poetry out-loud (open mic night)

31. Visit NYC

32. Direct a Children's Play

33. Visit Washington D.C.

34. Travel to France

35. Go on a US Roadtrip (Document it)

36. Get back on stage (Acting/Singing)

37. See New Orleans (Voodoo Priestesses & Historic Tours)

38. Have a toned stomach I'm proud of.

39. Pay for my momma and I to take a trip.

40. Marry the man of my dreams. Be the woman of his.

41. Get back into photography.

42. Mentor a child.

43. Record some of MY music.

44. Ride in a hot air balloon.

45. Go to the very top of a skyscraper and look off!

46. Win something at the State Fair.

47. See Seattle.

48. Tithe regularly.

49. Know peace. True peace...within. (Wake-up feeling peaceful and aligned.)

50. Go snowboarding.

51. Have a hammock.

52. Be "set" financially.

53. Grow something in my own garden.

54. See Boston (Watch a Red Sox Game)

55. Go Dog Sledding (Again)

56. Visit Amsterdam (Ride a Bike past the windmills. Take pictures.)

57. Stay in San Francisco (Drink Coffee/ Hear Poetry)

58. Go to Australia (Do a Safari)

59. Have a Hot Tub

60. Stay in a snowy cabin retreat with a fire and the man I love.

61. Live alone for a good while longer and embrace it.

62. Paint a picture I can be proud of.

63. Go back to London (again and again...)

64. See Alaska

65. Go Fishin' again (with Grandma Ludie, if possible.)

66. Establish a scholarship fund.

67. Fill up a piggy bank. Spend it on something good!

68. Hit a boxing speed bag (& make it do that bibbity-bob thing.)

69. Go Sailing, again....in a sail boat!

70. See South America (Stay in a hut...with mosquito nets.)

71. Take an interior decorating course.

72. Make some homemaid pottery.

73. Take a cruise.

74. Study the bible (regularly).

75. Make my momma proud (see it on her face).

76. Own my own business.

77. Learn to play the jimbay.

78. Help campaign for a cause I believe in.

79. Go to Canada.

80. Write a column for a newspaper (or a blog).

81. Have children (1 or 2...when the time's right.)

82. Crochet or cross-stitch something.

83. Jump off things I'm afraid to jump off of.

84. Learn to surf.

85. Play Santa Clause for someone.

86. Do a back flip!

87. Go on surfing trips!

88. Have my own web-site.

89. Bake cookies. Give them away.

90. Kiss in the rain.

91. Be debt free!

92. Make someone breakfast in bed.

93. Spend the day in a "cubby hole" making up stories and napping.

94. Have my own fitness regime (and studio!) :)

95. Have a personal assistant.

96. Have a vacation in Spain. (Ride a train.)

97. Drive a speedboat (or ride in one, at least!)

98. Learn Belly dancing

99. Spend a day at the zoo. (Watch the monkeys!)

100. Fly First Class (Especially to Europe).

the homeless man on the corner said i'm one of the "chosen ones". he said he can tell so, because of my smile.

standing up on the corner, he proclaimed, "beautiful smile on this one. beautiful smile. she's one of the chosen ones."

i feel chosen. i feel special.

i woke up this morning to a cool ocean breeze through my open windows, and the sounds of various birds singing their chorus. finding my journal on the bedside table, i began listing the things i'm thankful for, 

"thank you, Lord-
for my wonderful family, friends, and boyfriend.
thank you for your Grace and for reminding me that it, alone, is enough.
thank you for your Peace, and that you left it for each of us.
thanks for giving me the strength and energy to make the most out of this opportunity.
thank you for the ocean breeze.
thakn you for the birds singing outside of my window.
thank you for late night phone calls, and early morning wake up calls.

i love you, Lord.

thank you for blessing me.
thank you for loving me.

in Jesus' name I pray-
amen."

because it was only 6:45am, i decided to go for a 15-minute run on the beach. i was amazed at the activity that abounded outside my walls. surfers suiting up, and running out to the ocean, to catch an early morning set. joggers and dog-walkers all smiled as i passed by. a few of the homeless were stirring, and starting their days, as well. i saw the man who proclaimed i was one of the chosen ones. wiping last nights sleep from his eyes, and tying his bootlace, he looked up with his dark, mysterious eyes. around the corner, a couple was riding a tandem bike, and a cat scampered across the alley.

many of the things i see, i wish i could share with elliott, or mom, or misty, or michelle, or.....

but, then i remember...i CAN share them. and, i will. over coffee, or a phone conversation, or on the back of jeff's boat, in a few months time.

so much to take in here. so much to see. much to be thankful for, and even more that i feel like i can learn, affect, and change. i want to add to the positivity in the world. i want to increase the good vibes, and i want to make the most of this experience. 

if a simple smile can make me a "chosen one" then i want to smile more.

being outside of your element, increases your awareness. this much, i know. but, thinking back to humble, tx...and the world in which i've left for the time being, i know that i also saw similar things on my morning runs. also, i saw unique things, that only texas has to offer. 

each place has its own glory, and its own merit. it's up to us to find the beauty in it.

i encourage each of us to find the bliss in our own surroundings. please share with me the eccentricities you notice today. the funny, sweet, sincere, or amusing parts of your days.

i believe, that by doing looking at our worlds with a child's eyes, we WILL be adding to the positivity, and to the appreciation we hold for our surroundings. 

i believe starting the day, this way, is a beginning in that direction. we will be behaving and thinking as His chosen ones. with appreciation, amusement, and gratitude.

if you do the same...please come back and share your observations here...i'd love to read them.

humbly,
hillary

"Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetime's work, but it's worth the effort." 
-Mister Rogers

I've been calling home more often, and visiting, too. Last year, I went an entire year before I went home for a visit, and by the time I did, my heart hurt. It had been entirely too long. But, it took a mistake like that, to illuminate the truth to me. I need my family. No man (or woman) should be an island. And, this is is not the only "truth" that has been revealed to me in the past year. I've been on a "self-concept mission". I declared it, privately, to myself in my journal in January. Now, I'm okay with sharing that this mission for self-conception will be an ongoing one...and it feels really good!

I have been questioning EVERYTHING. Analyzing my past decisions:
In the past, I've lost myself in work, money, obligation. I've buried myself in academic pursuits, literary goals, spiritualism. I've run away from intimate friendships, and clung to corporate ladders. I've sacrificed "self" for acceptance. I've chosen to accept hurt, and I've also chosen to grant forgiveness. I've made some beautiful pieces of art, and given them away. I've written some interesting stories, and shared them. My life is a collection of decisions that have been clear and sometimes convoluted; savvy and sometimes simple-minded. But, what I have embraced is this truth:

In my entirety, I like me.

In fact, I am learning to LOVE me. I say I'm "learning", because I know it will be a process. I'm still not as kind to myself as I should be. I still look for flaws, and capitalize on them in the mirror. I still doubt, and question, and negate my own positive forward motion, at times. But, I'm learning...and I'm growing, and like I said, I like me. I'm falling in LOVE with me.

I am a girl who sometimes finds it hard to listen, because I'm so busy trying to think of a solution to your situation. I always want to help.

I am a person who will laugh as loud as the situation demands, even if I'm told it's too loud for the situation I'm in. (Examples include, "G'yall, Miss Hillary...you sure do laugh LOUD." Mason, Age 12, at the movies in December.)

I feel and express love with my entire being. Those who have experienced this love can explain it better than I can, I bet.

I'm quirky, and soft-hearted. My feelings can easily be hurt, and I'm learning, again, how to protect them. Sometimes it feels like my emotions are in technicolor, and the rest of the world is in monochrome. I feel misunderstood, raw, incomprehensible. I'm beginning to understand that there are more people out there, just like me...and we sort of find kindred spirits in one another. I believe if you are reading this, you're probably in technicolor, too.

In the past I was brash, and loud, and self-righteous. I thought hateful thoughts, and I said hurtful things. I'd engage in competition, and try and "one up" ex-girlfriends, varsity adversaries, even girls on the dance floor. More recently, I've become humble, meek, and rather self-conscious. I believe there is a nice place of balance between the two and I intend to find it.

I don't envy, anymore. I used to...and I'd say I didn't. Now, when I find envious thoughts creeping into my mind, I convert them into positivity, by complementing the person, either out loud or in my mind. (Something like, "Nice work, lil' Mama...your body is BANGIN'"...when I see a girl with an outrageous bikini body, etc.) Then, I'll see it as proof-positive, that those sorts of things can be achieved and manifested in my own life. (Like, "See, Hill? You can have that sort of body, too....you just have to invest the time and energy to do so.")

Yesterday, I was flipping through the channels on the TV, just looking for something I could "ignore" in the background. You know, like a constant hum, that accompanies you as you work through your day? Well, I ran across one of those Christian Stations, and Naomi Judd was being interviewed. What she said was essentially this, "The number one cause of mental illness is not knowing who you are and you can't know who you are if you don't spend time honoring yourself, and living in the present." She said the way we should honor ourselves, is by devoting time to being "silent" and "in the Word". I have to agree. This is EXACTLY why I've been able to come to the epiphanies about myself that I have this year. 

Every morning, I've made a point to get up 2 hours early so that I can spend the first 30 minutes (to an hour) of my day reading a devotional or other uplifting material. Then, if I am moved to, I journal about my thoughts on the matter. Once that is finished, and while these positive and uplifting things are fresh on my mind, I pop in a DVD (lately, it's been Winsor Pilates) and I devote 30 minutes (to an hour) to my physical being. While I'm "going through the motions" I make sure to smile, or remind myself that what I am doing is healthy, positive, and good for me. The most gratifying part, beyond the self-concepts that are being revealed, are the health effects that are becoming evident. 

I have more energy.
I smile and laugh more often, even in times of mental stress.
My body is literally changing its shape. Not in a dramatic way, but in a subtle, personal way. What once was hidden is now being revealed. Lines and muscles are making themselves seen. 
I look in the mirror and smile at what I am seeing develop.

The other day, I actually looked myself in the eyes, in the mirror, and said, "You are doing such a good job. I am so proud of you." I made a point to stand there for a few minutes and just look at myself, right in the eyes. If you have never done this, it's fairly uncomfortable. I've only honestly done that a handful of times in my life...but, this is the first time I can recall looking into my own eyes and saying something positive and gratifying and true. I highly recommend it. 

We have to spend time honoring ourselves. Getting to know ourselves. Loving ourselves, and perpetuating that love to one another.

I like what Sark says about the matter, 
"Treat yourself as kindly as you do your Best Friend.
Drench your self in self-kindness! 

Women are very good at shining kindness outward, yet if you ask how kind they are to themselves, they often cry. 

Turn the kindness spotlight inward.

Before we can move to healthier ways, we must be where we actually are.

Radical self-acceptance is a connecting, soft, slow and compassionate way of being. We can help each other. 

When you see your "sister" beating up on herself, take her weapons away and just hold her."

I did this just the other day. My friend was making some sort of comment about how "disgusting" and "fat" she was, and I just flat out said to her, "Don't talk about my friend like that." We both laughed about it, but also saw the truth. I wouldn't accept someone else saying something like that about her...so, why should I accept it when she says it about herself?

Learning to luxuriate in where we are RIGHT NOW as we are RIGHT NOW, is a really lovely thing. Allowing ourselves to be quirky, emotional, excitable, loud, timid, shy, or even silly, is simply practicing the same sort of acceptance and grace that you grant to others. 

Yesterday, someone told me I was being too energetic. It hurt me, deeply. In the past, I would have internalized this, and saw it as "another flaw" that I needed to correct. And, in all honesty, the instant that this person said this to me, I became very quiet and withdrawn. The difference, this time, was that the place inside to which I withdrew, is now a much kinder place. 

So, instead of beating myself up for being too full of energy, and for vibrating at a different frequency, I kindly allowed myself to smile, and laugh and say to myself, "I like the energy with which I'm living. I like the vibrations I'm putting out. I'm proud of myself. I don't see any reason to change."

Because I like me. 
And, I am fighting to preserve the sweetness and the purity within. I'm not going to submit to self-destructive thoughts.

I like me, and I'm not afraid to sit quietly with myself and "have a talk". 

My quiet time is sacred, my personal exercise time is a set appointment. They are a set and solid part of my day. Nothing encroaches upon them. They are too valuable a part of my life, now, to lose. This "self-concept" mission has only just begun...and I seriously look forward to it every day, and "miss it" when I miss it! 

What sorts of things are you doing for yourself? What sorts of things are you doing for someone else? Take a moment and list all the things you do during the week, and write next to each one if that activity is for you, or someone else. Working is for someone else. Balancing the checkbook is for someone else. Driving in the car-pool is for someone else. 

Count up how much time you spend doing for other people. Helping other people. Listening to other people. Then, count out how much you really do for yourself. It doesn't take much to fill our cups back up. Just an hour or so. But, we really should do it. 

As Naomi Judd says, "I've had women tell me that when their daughters see them taking care of themselves, and being defined from within, and thinking for themselves instead of thinking about that silly culture out there, it's powerful modeling."

Let's make a promise to take care of ourselves. Let's set out on a mission to know ourselves. Let's begin to embrace our own uniqueness. Let's help one another do that. 

Let's begin a Self-Conception Revolution.